something that doesn’t sound like a compliment but is

i saw an ugly version of you

my reaction: It sounds horrible but in reality, it’s a compliment. You should be flattered if I said, “hey I saw an ugly version of you working at the gas station.” If I saw a hot version of you then it wouldn’t be a compliment. You would be the ugly version of yourself then.

socker

My stepdaughter leaves her dirty used socks all over the house. It’s doesn’t make sense because she doesn’t ever leave the house. There’s no way they should be dirty. It’s like she is changing her socks every hour. Does her feet get that sweaty from screen time? I don’t understand. The socks have become part of every room. It’s become part of the living room decor, the bathroom, and kitchen. It’s like she has a sock for each room and then after each use she tosses it on the floor. Socks are cute when they are clean and yours, not when they are stained and sweaty from someone else. I have a house full of dirty socks.

treat yourself

Ten years ago, I went to my gf’s best friend’s wedding. He was one of her best guy friends at the time. He told me on his wedding day to treat her right because she means a lot to him. Usually, when people say something like that they don’t think you are worthy. They think you’re not a good partner for their friend. Well, he’s divorced now. I win. Maybe I should have given him his own advice. Moral of the story don’t listen to what other people say.

it’s a sham

I really need to work on cleaning myself better while in the shower. Recently, I got out of the shower and there was a clump of shampoo matted in my hair. It wasn’t a little, it was a lot. It was on the whole side of my head. I missed cleaning the entire half of my head. It just shows you that I haven’t been cleaning myself properly for the last 43 years of my life. I probably only clean half of my body each time I shower. Only 50% of my body gets cleaned each time I shower. I need to get that up to 80% by the end of the year. Hopefully, when I turn 50, I will be able to clean 100% of my body.

sniff glue

I saw a grocery store clerk on her smoke break with a cigarette in one hand and a vape in the other. This is where someone says I’ve seen it all. I would say that but I haven’t seen it all. Seriously, how stressful is her job? She is personal grocery shopper. She fills online orders. Cigarettes aren’t enough anymore? This girl was a smokestack. A human chimney. She needs to up her intake of harder drugs. She needs to start doing weed or cocaine. She wouldn’t have to do a vape cigarette combo. She is just inhaling fumes. She should start huffing paint or sniff glue. I think that would actually be healthier.

cherry gas

I was at Target the other day and I heard a teenager tell his mom that “Cherry Cola is gas”. It made me angry. I usually get mad at people who use slang and look like they shouldn’t. This kid had no reason to use the word ‘gas’ to describe how good Cherry Cola is. This kid had a crusty mustache that made him look like a underage pedophile. You know what’s “gas” using shaving cream and a razor to shave that gross mustache. His mom was unimpressed with him using ‘gas’. That kid is right. Cherry Cola is gas. It’s probably tastes like gas. It probably gives you gas.

doogie howser moment

There are two things I need to do: I need to focus on myself and learn how to bathe properly. Then I can start judging people who vape, smoke, and drink Cherry Cola. Ironically, these people who do that will probably live longer than me. I should tell them, ‘Treat yourself right. Don’t be the ugly doppelganger of yourself.” In conclusion, picking up your socks is gas.