overheard in a conversation I was in a long time ago
“Who is this biddin guy?”- my twin brother talking about Joe Biden in 2012
My reaction: My brother was genuinely asking who he was. He doesn’t know much about politics. I don’t think he has ever voted. He actually said, “who is this biddin guy?”. He pronounced it “Bid- in” not “bye-den”. This is one of those quotes that get better with age. He was generally asking, “who this guy was?’. He had no clue that he was the Vice President to Barack Obama.
a big wish
I want my gf’s ex husband to get fat. I know that sounds mean but damn would it be funny. I’m not wishing harm on him. I don’t want him to be miserable. I’m just wishing inconvenience on him. It’s not like he is a bad guy. He has his moments like we all do. I just want to see an obese version of him, like morbidly obese in where he can’t get out of bed. I guess I do want him to be miserable.
dessert villains
I think my family is messing with me. Every night after I do the dishes, wipe down the countertops, and clean the kitchen they come in and mess it all up by eating dessert. I hate this game. There’s crumbs all over the counter top and the sink is full of dishes again. Why should I even clean the kitchen if they are going to throw down on cookies, ice cream, or whatever suits their sweet tooth for the night. Ya’ll just ate an hour ago. What are you doing? You’re not hungry. Your bored. Get a new hobby. Everyone thinks are family is healthy. BS. Were a gingerbread house full of sugar. I’m calling us out. We are healthy compared to people who eat frozen foods but not to people who are health nuts. I hope my family reads this and puts down the pound cake.
butt eggs
I love eggs. Eggs are great. But never forget that they come from a chicken’s butthole. They don’t just loosely fall out, they are squeezed out of a chicken’s butthole. I feel bad for an egg laying hen. How many eggs have to go through a poor hen’s butthole just so we can enjoy an omelet? I tend to overthink where are food comes from. But we have normalized chicken eggs as eggs even though they are ‘butt eggs’. I wish I didn’t overthink where my food comes from. I don’t think Lions ruminate about why they eat Gazelles, they just eat them. The King of the Jungle is not thinking ‘we should be really eating a plant based diet”.
deliver me evil
Meal Kit delivery services are all the rage now. You know like Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. I think it’s a great idea for people who want to learn how to cook. They have some great recipes. I’ve decided to make my own meal delivery kit called “Goodbye Health”. It works just like a meal kit delivery service but without the nutrition. A breakfast would consist of a box of Trix cereal, lunch would be a bag of doritos, and dinner would be a pack of Ramen Noodles. Goodbye Health!
my fav
My nickname for my gf is “hoe”. I know it sounds bad. But she calls me it too. It’s our cute little pet name for each other. When I’m in a good mood I ask, “how is my favorite lil hoe?”. She will respond with, “ a hoe is doing fine”. We have said it so much that we forget it’s not a normal nickname and say it front of the kids. They look very confused when they hear us say it. I wonder when they grow up will they call their significant other a “hoe”.
pulling back the curtains
Dell Curry was selected with the 15th overall pick by the Utah Jazz in the 1986 NBA draft. He won the Sixth Man of the Year award in 1994. He averaged 16 points per game during that season. He played from 1986-2002 for Utah, Cleveland, Charlotte, Milwaukee, and Toronto. He also played baseball in high school; he was selected by the Texas Rangers in 1982 Major League Baseball draft. He founded a Christian Montessori School and established a charitable foundation providing educational training and drug abuse counseling.
doogie howser moment
If you call your significant other a hoe you must be in a good relationship but don’t start calling your partner a hoe because I do. I’m not sure that would go well. Even though eggs come from a chicken’s butthole I still eat them. But that’s the only food product I’m eating from an animal’s butt. Don’t wish obesity on someone you dislike just because your insecure, it won’t make you happy in the end, but it would probably make you crack a smile.