overheard in a conversation I was not in
“let me see that thong”- 6th grade step daughter
my reaction: One day I overheard my 6th grade stepdaughter singing “let me see that thong” by Sisqo in the basement to herself. I’m not sure that she knows what a thong is, but she was really belting it out like she did. I really hope she doesn’t really want to see that thong. Thongs are actually gross to me. Think of all the @ss crumbs that are wedged in the thong part of the underwear. Ew. That’s got to be the dirtiest underwear out there. Just give me your classic granny patties. That will ensure I see less butt crumbs in my girl’s underwear.
amateur plumbing advice
My mom needed help fixing her toilet. She said her toilet water was low. So, I went over there to check it out. It looked a little low but what do I know. Obviously, I’m not a plumber but I did give her advice. My advice was to stop taking such huge sh*ts. That’s what I said. Verbatim. I feel like that’s my plumbing advice for any broken toilet. Stop taking huge sh*ts. I think that’s the most effective way of fixing a toilet. If you avoid dropping bombs, your plumbing will be good to go.
whole fool
While checking out at Whole Foods I noticed the cashier was in pain because she was making the “I’m sore sound effects”. I asked what was wrong because I’m working on being empathetic. She stated she had a “crick in her neck”. I said, “Oh… that’s not good”. She went on to say, “I need a massage”. I immediately thought she was hitting on me because that’s what insecure people do, we take a meaningless comment by the opposite sex and make it seem like they are interested in us to feed our ego. I mean she couldn’t have been interested, I was wearing a mask, had a ski hat on, and wearing old sweat pants. The only thing you could see was my cheeks and eyes. The only way she would be interested is if she was really into cheeks, like she had a cheek fetish or something. I Immediately told my gf who was waiting in the car. I didn’t want to have this hanging over my head. I confessed everything. I guess I’ll never know if she wanted a massage from me or just making a general statement. Time will only tell until next time I have her check out my items and if she has another ‘crick in her neck’.
minute to win it
I play this new game with my gf called How long does it take to give me a boner? It’s a fun easy game to play. It only takes minutes. If it takes more than minutes, feelings might get hurt. If it takes hours, then maybe you need couples therapy or viagra. All you have to do is go behind your gf, wedge your wiener in between her cheeks, let it marinate for a few minutes, and see what happens. You should see growth within minutes. If not, do a little wiggle. You got a minute to win it. I usually say, “nope..nothing yet” after a few seconds then walk away just to tease her. In reality, it only takes under a minute. This is just a little activity to break up the monontony of a relationship. Let me know your results. Just don’t do it to your dog, couch, or any other inanimate object.
cry for me
I want to get married so I can see my gf cry with emotion over me. I want to get hitched so I can be showered with emotions of love. It sounds selfish and it is. I won’t lie, it would be selfish of me to get married. I just want to see her talk about me like I’m the best thing that has happened to her. I feel like relationships lose that after a few years. What better way to get things going again by renewing the vows I never took in the first place? I always tell her, “I’m the best thing that has ever happened to you”. “I’m the reason you wake up every morning”. “You’ve never been in love with someone so much”. These are my relationship affirmations that I think she thinks. I don’t know if their true but they are effective. Try them with your significant other.
slide to the left
The slideshow on our computer has all my gf’s pictures from the last 10 years or so. It’s mostly of her kids as babies. Every once in a while her ex husband will pop up in a photo. Those are always fun to see. I do see him in person but it’s different. He has moved on. She has moved on. He has new life, new wife, a dog. But you never want to see pics of your significant other’s dating past, especially in your living room when you’re trying to unwind for the day. I don’t need to see him and you on vacation, drinking a beer, or at a wedding having fun. It’s not good for my mental health. I’ve brought this up a few times but the pictures are mysteriously still there. I guess it’s not a high priority. Maybe I’ll pop in a few pics of my ex, one night stands, or me getting naked at a party in college just to even things out. Fair is fair right?
pulling back the curtains
Chris Kaman was drafted by the LA Clippers with the 6th pick of the 2003 draft. Kaman claims he decided to enter the NBA draft a year early so he could fund a chicken farm in his home state of Michigan. Not sure if this is true but it’s hilarious if it is. Honestly, he looks like a guy who slaughters chickens, not out of necessity but for fun. He was an NBA All Star in 2010 averaging 18 pts and 9 rebounds. He said he was misdiagnosed with ADHD at age 2. What kid isn’t ADHD at 2? I wish I was diagnosed with ADHD so I could have a legit excuse in life. He is a dual citizen of the United States and Germany. He acquired German citizenship in 2008 (his great-grandparents were German), so he could play on the German National Team in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Germany’s team was that desperate for Chris Kaman that he became a citizen. My great great great grandparents were from Germany could I be on the German National Team Germany? He also has a YouTube channel called “Exploring Kaman”.
doogie howser moment
In the end, don’t let me see that thong or pics of your ex on your computer slideshow. It hurts. I don’t want to leave you for the Whole Foods cashier who has a ‘crick in her neck’. We got something good right here because we can play our favorite game together how long does it take me to get a boner.