overheard in a conversation I was in
“you can’t send this”…. “why not”….. “it’s smells like gasoline”- post office worker to my brother while he tried mailing family gifts for Christmas
my reaction: My brother lost his sense of smell because of Covid so he didn’t realize a package he was sending smelled like gasoline. Why would a package smell like gasoline? Because he was sending us unleaded gas in the mail. He got a good deal on it. No not at all. My brother had a gas can in his car trunk near the package he was going to send. That’s why. Imagine if he did this post 9/11 during the days of anthrax, he would be in jail. He ended up buying a box from the post office that didn’t smell like gasoline, repackaged his goods, and was on his merry way.
1st covid test
I took my first covid test at Miller Park. I was bored that day so I figured I would get a test done and it was free. I like free activities that get me out of the house especially during a pandemic when cash is tight. Actually, I had body aches and fatigue, so I thought it was the responsible thing to do. I got in a line with the other 50 ‘covid cars’ who thought they had Covid. It’s surreal seeing so many people get tested. I felt a little gross knowing that everyone in line has a 50% chance of having it. I assume most people’s symptoms were mild since they did drive themselves there. It’s ironic that all these people who think they have covid are driving to a tent where there are a few people testing thousands of people. Isn’t that how diseases spread? The tester put a cotton swab in each of my nostrils for 4 seconds each and then said your good. It took 10 seconds. I wouldn’t recommend driving to a drive thru clinic if you feel like crap, assume you have it. Don’t drive on Covid.
test results
After a couple of days my covid test came back positive. It’s the only time being positive is a bad thing. I wish I could retake that test. But it’s not like a Math test in where I can change my score if I study more. My test results were emailed to me at 4:30 am Sunday night. Who the hell is up that late looking at samples? The only time people are up that late is if there drinking. Did my lab technician go out til bar time, get Taco Bell, and then drunk email my results? Here’s an excerpt from my email “Heyyyy Curtttttttt!!!! You got Covid mannnnnn!!! You are such a f*ckin dumb@ss…..Btw…. try the new taco nacho supreme…. it’s delicious! Also quarantine for 10 days bro… luv u man, your covid technician Steve…. PS…. Tinder is swarming with thirsty babes tryin to get the d”.
contact trace
I’m trying to contact trace where I got it from. It could be any of the 8 bars I went to over the holidays. I can see you rolling your eyes saying “oh of course that’s why he has it…. he deserves it”. Yes, I deserve it. I was asking for it. Every bar I went to had covid just waiting for me to get it. Honestly, I could’ve gotten it from anywhere- grocery store, friend’s house, or the glory hole at work I frequently use. After an exhaustive search process I figured out where I got it from. I narrowed it down to one place. I’m pretty sure I contacted it somewhere in Wisconsin (where I live and have been the last 9 months). I hope this bit of information helps the CDC in finding out where this virus came from. I’ve learned a valuable lesson; never use the glory hole at work again without sanitizing it first.
silver lining
I’m trying to look at the positives of this positive covid test. Let’s see. I have a 99% survival rate. I didn’t infect anyone else as I caught it pretty early. I’m a part of our nation’s sh*tty history. I can say I overcame covid. I’m one of those numbers they show on the news now. I’m a confirmed case. How many people can say they’ve been in the news? I’ll be in the news for the entire year and a part of USA history forever. I’m going to be in the history books. I’m a statistic. A number.
deep diving
Sometimes you just need to get out of the city and switch it up, so I went to a dive bar in rural Wisconsin (when I was pre Covid-19). The name of the bar was called Chicken Licks. If any bar was going to give me ‘a covid’ this was the bar that was going to give it to me. It was full of townies being townies. I saw a jukebox, a mullet, and a couple making out then eating wings then resuming to make out again. That same guy who was taking turns on his girlfriend’s lips and wings ended up falling off the barstool because he was so drunk. It was only 7:30 pm this time. We were hoping to beat the ‘covid rush” before it got busy. I guess I didn’t. The bathroom was even more entertaining. It was one of those bathrooms with writing all over it. I love bathroom graffiti. Full of the most remedial and ridiculous statements on Earth. The best line I read was, “he who does not lick the cl*t….shall not hit- Coochielations 1:69.” I love reading scripture from the good book of Coochielations when I’m in need. One of my favorite quotes.
homeopathic vaccine
I’m not sure if this is possible but I think I pooped out COVID 19. After a couple of days of feeling horrible, I decided I needed to defecate. It was not until I pooped that I felt a lot better. God works in mysterious ways. It was a long process but I recommend it if you have covid and you want to get healthy. Make sure you put the effort in. Take a magazine, get comfortable, and relax. Then make sure you wipe for 20 seconds, use sanitizer, and keep 6 feet away from your turds so you don’t get reinfected. If you follow all these steps you should have made a homemade (crapccine) vaccine. Why take a vaccine when you can just crap it out? Sorry Moderna and Pfizer, I’m putting you out of business.
pulling back the curtains
The Utah Jazz selected Greg Ostertag with the 28th pick in the first round of the 1995 NBA draft. Ostertag sounds like an evil character from a Harry Potter book. With that name you have to be a grunt villain from Hogwarts. He wore the number 00 for most of his career but switched to No. 39 so Olden Polynice could wear zero for the Utah Jazz from 1999-2001. I didn’t know the number 0 was such in demand. I’m trying to avoid being the 0. In 2002, Ostertag donated a kidney to save the life of his sister Amy (Hall) Ostertag, who was dying of kidney disease; upon his return he became the first player in NBA history to play after donating an organ. Ostertag now lives on a small cattle farm and is a licensed realtor. I feel bad Greg Ostertag got roped into my covid blog but it just kinda happened that way.
doogie howser moment
Don’t try to poop out covid, it doesn’t work. Don’t send mail that smells like gasoline. And if your in peril just read Coochielations to put your mind at ease. The Book of Coochielations has got me through COVID-19. I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done without it.