overheard in a conversation I was in
“Mommy… you have bad breath”- 3 year old son
my reaction: Well, he’s not lying. It was morning when he said it. She most likely had morning breath. I believe he was telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy. At least he wasn’t talking about any other body parts on her.
like me
When I get home from work I usually tell my gf about my day. Once a week I will usually say something like “I think the cashier at Trader Joes likes me”. She responds, “how do you know?’. I say, “I can just tell”. I want to inspire jealousy and rage within her. But she doesn’t budge. She is stoic. She moves with confidence. She is secure. She knows who she is. My tactic of making her rich in jealousy turns futile. I’m just a guy seeking attention and she sees right through me. She is like a sniper calling my BS from a distance. She can smell the fear on me, but even then, she still entertains me. That’s what good gf’s do. They entertain their boyfriend’s dumb ideas. We are both playing a game. Whose winning? I have no clue.
butt touch
Do you guys ever grab your own butt and imagine your grabbing a hot girl’s butt? I do. All the time. Try it out. It works for a bit until I reach the soft supple hairs of my butt. Once I feel my butt hairs my fantasy is over. Done. Gone. Finished. Unless my fantasy involves grabbing a hot girl’s hairy butt.
beach bod burglar
My gf is doing the beach body diet. It’s a 3 week diet where you slowly eliminate diary, gluten, and animal products. I’m slowly hijacking her diet to see how many pounds I can lose. It’s the competitive nature that’s in me. I should be supporting her but I’ve made it more about me. I don’t need to lose weight, I’m just curious to see if it works. As of now I’ve lost 3 pounds I didn’t have to.
king me
If you never want to see your gf at night, buy a king size bed. Half the time we’re sleeping, I don’t know she is there. I could start a small factory making hats on my side of the bed and she wouldn’t know. It’s that big. King size beds are the key to a long term relationship. Before bed I like to whimper to my gf “omg… I love you so much… weep… what would I do without you”. Then I go on to fake cry myself to sleep.
revenge body
I’m starting to work on my revenge body. A revenge body is when you get hot after your break up with your significant other to make them jealous. It makes no sense… Why don’t you just take care of yourself in the first place, then you wouldn’t need a revenge body. There’s no reason I need a revenge body, I’m not going to break up with my gf. But I need to be ahead of the curve… be 2 steps ahead of them…keep them on their toes. The more I think about it, maybe that’s why my gf is on the beach body diet? She’s planning her revenge body right in front of me and I have no clue. She is one step ahead of me.
pulling back the curtains
Aron Baynes was born in New Zealand and grew up in a small Australian town. He grew up playing rugby but at age 15 started playing basketball. After High School he joined the Australian Institute of Sport. He was offered a college scholarship to play at Washington State University. He went undrafted in the 2009 draft and played in multiple European leagues such as the Lithaunian, German, Greek, and Slovenian Basketball leagues before he signed with the San Antonio Spurs in 2013. He has played for Pistons, Celtics, Suns, and currently with the Raptors. He won a championship with the Spurs in 2014. Also, he was the Lithuanian League Slam Dunk contest champion. I don’t know if you ever seen Aron but he is from New Zealand. He is not dunk material.
doogie howser moment
I learned a lot about king size beds last week. Having a king size bed has many advantages like being able to hide your revenge body from your partner. You also can secretly grab your own butt cheeks fantasizing about the cashier at Trader Joe’s. It’s the key to a successful healthy relationship. Most importantly you’ll never know if your significant other has bad breath.