ant man not aunt man
Ants are the most non threatening insect in the home, yet one of the most annoying. If you have a ant problem your probably doing okay, an “ants” problem is way worse. I had to go on an “ant trap killer run”. It sounds like I’m going on a jog to trap and kill my aunt. I’m not. It’s essentially going on a beer run but for ant traps. You know… “had to get a 6’er of ant traps to kill those pesky bugs” in my best redneck voice. Beer run or ant trap run? It’s all the same in the end. The main objective is take the edge off so I don’t jump off the edge. I know…so edgy. Don’t want to be Sonic the “edge” hog. God I hate myself for these dumb puns.
double non standards
I’ve been very effective at peeing in public. I could go to the Hall of Fame if there was ever such a thing for this activity. I’m the Mitch Richmond of peeing in public. Maybe not the best, but consistently a good shooter that gets the job done. I have rules of course. I pee only on nature. Sounds worse than it actually is but it isn’t. Let me explain. Why can’t a honest person like me pee on some dead sticks and dirt, but it’s okay to pee in toilets that get flushed in the Great Lake of Michigan polluting our beaches, wildlife, and ecosystem. It’s hypocritical. The Governor needs to mandate public urination in parks. A little pee never hurt a dead tree.
compiled regurgitation
I can’t wait until safer at home is lifted, I’m sick of social media. Socializing on media has never been my thing. Now I realize why I quit Facebook in the first place. Everyone is just regurgitating stuff they heard and saying it in a dumber way. I don’t need my news to be dumber than it already is. Apparently, all my friends are politicians, economists, and/or doctors even though they are none of those things. They read one article and all of a sudden they are professionals in that subject. Does anyone have an original thought anymore? Anyone think for themselves? Let’s all do ourselves a favor and just admit we don’t know. And what I just said someone probably has already said a million times. I’ll call myself out. I am no different. I guess I’m a copy cat. Meow.
x marks the spot
On a walk in a local park, I saw some older ladies wearing homemade shirts with the writing “stay 6 feet away” in neon colors. Good for you…you self righteous hoes… what would I without you? Trust me…don’t worry…with the way you looked… I’ll STAY 7 FEET AWAY. How are you going out telling people to social distance when your not? I forget….your the exception. Your the one on social media telling everyone that they should listen to you because your the self proclaimed health official. We need a better term for striving to be safe while in the community. Social distancing sounds way too positive. We should rename social distancing to, “stay the f away from me”. The grocery stores are even spelling it out for us and we still can’t take a hint. I would’ve respected those girls if there shirts said, “stand on the x” in neon. Every checkout lane at a store has x’s on where to stand. If you can’t figure out 6 feet, stay home until you can. If DMX was smart he would put a DM before all those X’s at the store. That’s free marketing. Now where my dogs at?!!? Ruff ruff barky bark.
keep your friends close but your family closer
Hide and seek might be one of the scariest childhood games I have played as an adult. I’ve watched too many suspense movies to the point where hide and seek has been ruined. Hide and seek has never been the same after seeing Taken with Liam Nesson. Hide and seek is a blockbuster thriller that has me ready to piss myself. I am scared as the seeker and hider, more so as the hider. I will give myself up before someone finds me. I have no idea what is going to happen, will they hit me, scream at me, or sell me in the sex trade. Remind you, I’m playing with my family. I guess I don’t trust my family. Keep your friends close but your family enemies closer.
doogie howser moment
X marks the spot even if your at the store. Keep your friends close but your family closer. But remember Mitch Richmond got a championship ring with Los Angeles Lakers in 2002, even though he only played four minutes that entire post season. He dribbled out the clock after scoring his last basket in game 4 of the Finals vs. the New Jersey Nets. The Lakers ended up sweeping the Nets. It was his Last Dance. It was not in his prime, but nonetheless, it’s the journey, not the result or award that defines you. Once a King always a Sacramento King.