I guess “I’m back” again

I’m back intro

“I’m back” is the infamous words when someone leaves a profession, career, or whatever it is they do, and then return to said activity after a hiatus. But I’ve always been blogging… just blogging in my head…never on paper. So with that being said “I’m back”, even though I never really left. Being “back” could also imply I’ve been dead the last couple years. Maybe I have been dead (mentally) and this is my resurrection through blog. Sad way to resurrect your career. What’s new? I have a 2 year old. Enjoy or don’t.

don’t bite more than you can chew

“My son bit me in the penis” are words I never thought I would have to utter. But here I am uttering “my son bit me in the penis”. True story… I think. I say “I think” because it happened so fast that I was in shock. When we’re in shock the adrenaline kicks in and it’s hard to recall what really happened. Sometimes we create pain in our head, but this time it was my other “head” that had the pain. Of course, it was accidental, we were wrestling and things happen. But that was definitely not a wrestling move even though it felt like a “stone cold stunner’. I don’t think a 2 year old deliberately tries to bite his father’s penis off but I could be wrong. Unless he was the son of Lorena Bobbit or Pac Man, which he isn’t, then I could see where he is coming from. What I’m saying is I’ll take a bite on the arm, leg, or any body part that is not the penis or ‘penis shaped’. Not even sure how he located it? Insert small dick jokes here. I’d rather be Evander Holyfield’s ear after Mike Tyson got done chewing on it than get bit in the penis again. Don’t worry… I got him back. I believe ‘an eye for an eye’ when it comes to parenting… so I bit him in the penis. Nooo…Not at all…that was a joke. But I did what any father would do in that situation and told his mother.

outdoor activity you won’t find on Pinterest

My son and I go to the park daily. I’m always trying to make our trips to the park educational. With that being said we went on a poop hunt. There’s only so many sticks and rocks you can find until it gets old. That’s why we looked for poop, not human poop, bird poop. I thought I had to clarify. I didn’t want anyone to think I’m looking for human poop. You never know how people perceive things these days. Anyways, we found about a few piles of bird poop. I hope it was bird poop and not human poop. I couldn’t tell you, I’m not a excrement expert. By the third pile he was done but I was just getting started. Bummer for me. Next time I will go alone. This activity lasted about 15 minutes. Take that Pinterest Parent. I’m a Poop Parent.

that post post office feeling

I made my first trip to the post office in years to mail a gift to my nieces and nephews birthdays. I wish I felt the same satisfaction I get when I send mail as I do sending email. I never get email satisfaction. I’m email dissatisfied. Honestly, I was nervous to go to the post office. I haven’t been in awhile, and when you go places your not familiar with, a little uncertainty festers. Also, I didn’t want to look dumb. I didn’t want to be the dumb guy who can’t send mail. How dumb do you look if you can’t send mail? Seal the envelope, write the address, and buy a stamp. Done. They do the rest. All I had to do was drive there. I guess driving somewhere and dropping something off makes me feel so accomplished. If that’s the case, maybe I should think of a career change. Is it time to Uber…GrubHub…drug deal?

don’t sweat the small stuff

Why do things so small hurt so bad? Don’t sweat the small stuff? Yeah right… the small stuff hurts though. It all happened when I was on my hands and knees in the living room cleaning. You ever walk with your knees when putting away toys, well I was doing just that. The infamous knee walk. I was all good until my knee came in contact with a sharp object. I screamed in agony thinking I dislocated my knee. I whimpered on the ground as my son watched me confusingly. My gf/wife came in quickly to see what was going on. I was still clutching my knee rolling on the ground in the fetal position. She asked, “what happened?” And I said, “this happened” as I held a decapitated LEGO head. She laughed and then laughed again then laughed some more. Now I can add legos and my family to things that i don’t like. I hope you go out of business LEGOS. This story confirms my status as the world’s biggest little b*tch.

mandate not man date

You know how you watch a tv show or movie and get attached to the characters. Well that happened to me while watching the movie Frozen. After seeing it 10x in 3 days I was sick of it, I had enough. I…myself… wanted to be Frozen alive so I never had to watch it again. So I had to make a mandate. Mandate is my new word of the week that I use out of context and incorrectly. So…I mandated we watch a different movie. We started watching Toy Story. Toy Story is good but then I questioned the reality’s of it by saying, “this couldn’t happen in real life.” Of course it couldn’t….it’s an animated movie. Toy Story is just the PG version of Child’s Play. So after a week of no Frozen I stared to miss it. I missed Olaf’s wit, Sven’s antics, and Anna’s determination. You enjoy stories and movies with characters that you can connect to. I really could see myself in those characters especially Anna. What….we’re you expecting I was going to say someone “Elsa”? You know…. someone…. “Else-a”. I am so Anna from Frozen, she is the unsung hero, desperate for true love, and a tad bit annoying. Hear ye…hear ye… I mandate that I am Anna. Insert gavel noise.

doogie howser moment

What can we learn from this mandated blog from my brain? You can learn a lot by doing things you know nothing about. You can also make up games with Earth’s unpleasantries. You can use misuse words out of context to give boring conversations interesting. All I’m saying is… The postoffice is fun, you can live without Pinterest, and don’t sweat the small stuff…that is….until someone bites your penis.