people’s response when I told them where me and my family were going on vacation
“Your going to Florida!?!?”- everyone
my reaction: Yea… we booked a family trip to Florida. Sure, it was during college spring break, it’s a covid hot spot, and Miami Beach was declared a state of emergency last week but life is about fun, right?
the lizard man
My gf had a headache the first day of our trip which blew because now I had to step my game up as a parent. I usually outsource all the parenting to her. My first duty as a parent was to get rid of the lizard that was in my step daughters bed. I used a pizza box to get the lizard out. But in all honesty I was just as scared as my family. I ended up not needing the pizza box and threw out the pillow that the lizard was on. I did it. I ended being the man I thought I could become.
croc target
Just when I thought I was the man for once I realized I was wearing tie dye crocs. I was brought right back down to reality. No real men wear crocs especially if they are tie dye. I’ve been wearing these crocs the entire trip. How can I be the patriarch, the leader of the family when I’m wearing shoes that make me look like an 8th grade teen girl? Crocs make me an easy target for criminals, weirdos, and creeps. Once they see the crocs, I’m done.
tattoo guy
I’ve noticed a lot of homeless people in Florida. They seemed a lot nicer than the ones in the Midwest. It must be their southern hospitality. They have been quite nice and pleasant. While we were having lunch at a public park near the beach a seedy looking guy came near us. He was fully tatted up and asked us if he could sit by us so that he would look “normal” so the cops won’t harass him. We said sure. We didn’t have much choice. He was holding rocks in his hand. He had a tattoo of a spider on his head. That’s the most bad @$$ thing I’ve ever seen. You don’t say no to guys like that. You just agree and hope they don’t hurt you. He then went on to say that he has 3 kids and that he was a family man. I guess that made me feel safer?
bankrupt tits
One of the tattoo guy’s friends was walking around holding a bottle of vodka with the label peeled off like he was passing it off as water. Who are you fooling? Do you really think your using a vodka bottle for water? Don’t insult our intelligence. Another person in his posse was a female with a boob job. I’ve never seen a homeless girl with fake boobs. Sounds like a bad investment. Can’t you sell dem tits and get your life back together. Those tits could go to a good home. I know plenty of women who could use a boost. Her fake tits could’ve gone to at least 5 underprivileged women. Only in Fort Lauderdale do you see homeless chicks with fake tits.
bush dump
While walking to Whole Foods we encountered another first. We saw a guy taking a dump in broad daylight right in front of CVS. He was about 5 feet away from us. I should’ve looked once and only once, but I was curious, so I looked multiple times. Yep, I reaffirmed my initial confirmation that he was in fact taking a dump when I saw a sh*t filled napkin. It was definitely a premature wipe. It was one of the grossest things I’ve seen.
spring break Grace
While on the beach we met our group of spring breakers while we we’re exiting the beach. It was a group of 3 girls and a few guys. One girl in particular was drunk. Her name was Grace but ironically she had none. It was 2:30pm. Her crew was trying to get her back to her hotel. Katy, my gf, overheard that her and her roommate just met these guys. One guy was trying to get Grace back to his hotel. He was laying it on pretty thick. This was this guy’s only chance of getting laid. He had no choice to seize this opportunity. He was a ginger with a awful goatee. He looked like a dirt bag. My gf told the girl if you were my daughter I would take you home. All the while this is happening our entire family of 5 is watching this debacle. I still wonder about Grace to this day.
bird lady
We have been doing shopping at local grocery stores to cut down on eating out. Food is ridiculously expensive in Fort Lauderdale. While waiting outside the Publix I met an old lady feeding oatmeal to birds. I didn’t know birds liked oatmeal? No one likes oatmeal. She was talking to the birds as if they could understand her. She reminded of the creepy pigeon lady from Home Alone 2. She went on about how old people get taken advantage of, hate crimes, and people in public. I listened like I always do because you never know where these conversations are going to go. We parted ways. I returned to my Air B N B. She continued on feeding birds.
uber Doug
We have been taking a lot of taxis. Somehow taxis have been cheaper than Ubers. This particular night we took an Uber. Douglas was picking us up. He had 4.95 rating out of 5. I felt comfortable knowing that he had a high rating. He was a 71 year old man who did the classic old guy jokes such as, “your family told me to leave you” or “I thought you had no friends”. It was cute at first but then became annoying then became dark. He told us his life story and how his 2 daughters don’t talk to him. He got divorced to his first wife then remarried a girl 15 years younger than him in Las Vegas after knowing her for 3 months. He called her current wife useless and lazy as she just sits at home and does nothing. He even mentioned how he had a gun in his glove department for protection but jokingly said he wanted to shoot his good for nothing wife. He thought my family would laugh at that joke. No one did. He kept repeating how stupid he was. We were all uncomfortable during the ride. He was one of those guys who drives Uber and tells everyone the same spiel about his life story. It’s like he signed up to be a Uber driver just so the riders would be his therapist. Sorry Doug you picked the wrong family.
pulling back the curtains
Bimbo Cole was selected by the Sacramento Kings in the 2nd round with the 40th overall pick in 1990. He received his nickname from a cousin in reference to a country music song of the same name. His real name is Vernell. Despite not having played baseball since high school, Coles was drafted by the California Angels in the final round of the 1990 Major League Baseball draft. This guy was that dope at baseball that he got drafted never playing college ball. Doesn’t sound like a Bimbo to me.
doogie howser moment
I feel like I’m a magnet to weirdos in society. Why do I always meet the most interesting people? It has to be the tie dye crocks. The people I socialized most with were strange Uber drivers, homeless people, and drunk spring breakers. Maybe these people aren’t weird at all. Maybe we got it all wrong. Maybe the people with the faces glued to there phones who don’t know how to socialize are the weird ones? One last thing, if your homeless and have fake tits, sell them back!