overheard in a conversation I was in
“you need to start being a man”– me talking to my 4 year old son while filling water balloons
My reaction: My son didn’t want to help with filling the water balloons so I told him straight up “you need to start being the man” because these water balloons aren’t going to fill themselves up. You can’t just expect water balloons to be full, you need to put in the work. I never thought I would say “you need to start being a man” in reference to water balloons.
you only get one shot
I have this weird fantasy in where I want to get shot. I want to get shot to get my street cred up. I have a reputation for being soft, easy going, and being a pushover. If I got shot then it will definitely up my brand as someone not to mess with. Then I want the news to fully disclose who I am, put a picture of me, and do a full story on how I got shot. I want everyone to know that I got shot. I don’t want to be in critical condition or ICU. I just want a bullet to graze me in a spot that’s non threatening to my life. All it has to do is hit me in my pinkie or my calves. I have huge calves with a lot of meat on it. Hit me in the “cankle”. I’ll take a shot to the hairs on my leg as long as I get in the police report. I just want everyone to know I got shot.
the Matrix
My neighborhood is relatively safe but recently there has been a rash of car break ins. I know of 3 cars that have been stolen in the past 3 years in my neighborhood. My next door neighbor sent us footage of 4 men trying to break into my 2006 Toyota Matrix. This is not a sports car. It’s A to B car. I guess the footage shows these guys really trying to get into my car. Why? I don’t know. I had nothing of value in my car. I had an old umbrella, a yoga mat, and some Tye Dye Crocs. Those were the only things of value in my car. Did these thieves want to do a couple of downward dogs? Did they want to look hip in those ty dye crocs? Did the forecast call for rain and they needed an umbrella? All could be true.
lockdown
I received an email from my place of work stating that we were on lockdown due to a nearby shooting. I was casually told by our front desk person that we were on lockdown, meaning no one in and no one out. It was the most casual lockdown I’ve been part of. When I think of a lockdown I think of when a max security prison locks down with all the doors automatically locking, alarms sounding, and guards in riot gear. Our lockdown was an email. Great… I feel real safe.
score excitement
I have a lot of single friends who will tell me when they hook up. I get excited like I was in High School and my buddy told me he was heavy petting over the weekend. I’m like “really… what happened next?… gimmie details… you actually scored?”. I should be used to hearing this information but I’m not. It’s not uncommon for adults to have intercourse. I’m a mature adult and I get giddy like a school girl when my friends tell me they hooked up. I even get excited when my married friends tell me they hooked up with their spouses. I’m like “really… what happened next?… gimme details…you actually scored?”.
more shots
Getting shot will up my street cred but it will also be the greatest parenting move ever. It doesn’t matter where I got shot even if I got shot in the pubes. It’s still a part on my body. It still counts. I can still use it as teaching moment for my son. You know? My son can’t make excuses anymore on why he doesn’t want to do something. All I have to tell him is “I got shot”. He can complain, whine, or be a baby all he wants but he didn’t get shot. I would have all the leverage as a parent. I would over use it. He would come home with a C- in Math and I would be like “unacceptable… you should get better grades.. did you get shot? No? Okay make it a B”. If he complained about dinner and say, “but dad… I don’t want to eat broccoli… well did you get shot? No? Eat your greens. Once you get shot then I’ll let you make excuses in life.”
pulling back the curtains
Taj Gibson was selected 26th overall by the Chicago Bulls in the 2009 NBA Draft. Playing mostly a bench role in 2013–14, Gibson averaged 13 points and 6.8 rebounds on the season and was among the league leaders in blocked shots per game. He finished second in the NBA’s Sixth Man of the Year Award, losing to Jamal Crawford He became the first NBA player ever to wear No. 67, in honor of his Brooklyn elementary school, P.S. 67.
doogie howser moment
Life is too short. With that being said, I might pay someone to shoot me. That’s probably the safest way to do it. I don’t think any would try to steal my car if they knew I got shot. My son would respect me. I probably wouldn’t get excited about my friends hooking up anymore. I wouldn’t be scared of being on lockdown either. I would be able to take my own advice and “start being a man”.