overheard in a conversation I was in
“free day whoop whoop!”- me at the Zoo
my reaction: I took my son on free day at the ZOO this past Saturday. As we walked in I kept saying, “FREE DAY.. WHOOP WHOOP!” loud enough so other people could hear me. I even included a little shimmy dance to add a little flavor. My gf was quite embarrassed. She told me to stop several times but I kept going. “FREE DAY… WHOOP.. WHOOP!” I said it so many times that my son started to say it. “FREE DAY… WHOOP WHOOP!!” The zoo is so much better when it’s free.
machine hero
I love trying to get jammed snacks out of a vending machine. I’ve never felt so empowered in my life. I just like the fact that I’m screwing over the snack industry and getting a free bag of chips. But what I forget is, that I already paid for the snack- I’m just trying to get it unstuck. I helped a co worker of mine get a bag of chips that got stuck at the work vending machine. I overheard her say, “I knew that was going to happen.” I said, “I’ll get it.” I started shaking the machine vigorously, but nothing happened. I ended up hanging on to the front end of the machine to tilt it back then let the machine hit the ground, thus making the chips fell. I was a hero. I risked getting seriously hurt to get this 65 cents bag worth of chips but enjoyed every moment of it.
cancel the dead
A lot of people don’t like cancel culture because it’s gone too far. I don’t think it has gone far enough. We only cancel people who are alive. A lot of people deserve to get canceled from politicians to celebrities to regular people. There’s a ton of regular people who should be canceled who don’t because they are regular people. Regular people are the worst. We should also cancel dead people. I know the ultimate cancel is death but there’s plenty of dead people living good lives. Their legacies need to be removed.
best people ever
I got a mug from a co worker that said best person ever. I wonder how many of these mugs were made? If I was the ‘best person ever’ there should be only one of these mugs, but that’s not the case. My other co workers got a best person ever mug too. Now I think the world is a lie because my mug is a liar. I can’t enjoy a cup of tea from this mug because it’s lying to me.
stroke
My 8th grade step daughter stated that she thought she was having a stroke right before she had to go to basketball practice. If she could, she would skip practice every week. I’ve heard her say her stomach hurts, she doesn’t feel good, or has a headache. Those are believable but she has also used those excuses all up. Her saying she has a stroke has been the most far fetched excuse I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth. She even went to say, “I can’t feel my arm” as she let it dangle to the side. Miraculously, it was gone in minutes. She went to practice and we never heard of it again.
eval
I asked my gf “how I’m doing as a partner?” I wanted her to rate me. They say communication is the most important part of a relationship. So, why not ask “How am I doing as a partner?” Why not just be straightforward about it? I wanted to get honest feedback of how I performed in 2021. I would like to see where I can improve for 2022. I gave her a couple of days to respond. She has yet to give me the results. Everyday she doesn’t give me my results I squirm. Did she secretly cancel me?
pulling back the curtains
No NBA player has worn the number 87. If I was a future NBA player I would pick this number. You will go in infamy as the only player to wear this number no matter how bad you were.
doogie howser moment
Maybe my mug is right, maybe I am the best person ever. I did help someone get there chips out of a vending machine. I did take my son to the Zoo even though it was free day. I do want regular and dead people to be canceled when they deserve to be canceled. I don’t get mad and believe my kid when they say they have a stroke just so they can avoid basketball practice. I don’t know, I guess I’m just trying to be the best person ever so I don’t get canceled.