intro- spring clean
Spring is here so that means it’s time for spring cleaning. I have a question. Why do we wait until spring to clean? We spend the entire winter indoors. We had all winter to ‘spring clean’. Maybe it’s a marketing strategy to sell windex and pine sol. Everyone gets out to clean there garage and basement. People throw away stuff like the Air Fryer they just bought because they never used it. Then they go to the store to buy the newest gadget they’ll only use once then throw that away next spring. Spring is a vicious cycle.
crop tops
Since it’s spring it’s been raining a lot. It’s been raining for 5 days straight. I guess it’s good for the crops. That’s what the farmers say, “it’s good for the crops.” I didn’t know people still used the word crops. When’s the last time you used the word crops? No one is eating crops. We are all heating up hot pockets in the microwave. We got to make crops trendy. Start buying crops again. We should start calling vegetables crops. Moms everywhere would start saying, “make sure to eat your crops if you want to get big and strong.”
micro waves
People are shocked when they hear I don’t own a microwave. Absolutely bewildered. You would’ve thought I told them I murdered someone. I’m not going in to why I don’t own one. I just don’t. It’s my business. I’ll tell you why though. I just don’t like the look of them. Big and boxy. They are loud and make beeping noises. I don’t want more beeping in my house. I don’t care about how it turns your food into mush and the high levels of radiation it emits. Radiation is everywhere. My nuts have been radiated enough at the security checkpoint at the airport.
march sadness
I love watching the NCAA basketball tournament. It’s great to see players play with passion, grit, and hustle. But what I love more is watching the losing team’s fans cry after the game. I love seeing adults cry. The dejection, pain, and misery. The camera guy is always ready to capture those tears. I would like to be the director of the cameramen at the end of the game. “Okay guys… find the saddest person in the crowd. We need tears…sobbing…borderline depression.” I wonder if filming tears is there favorite part of the job because it would be mine.
green fear
I didn’t celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day at all. I didn’t drink green beer. I never was big on green beer. I never liked the side effects of green beer. After a night of drinking green beer I would end up taking greener dumps than Shrek. It looked like I ate Kermit the Frog. My fecal matter would make The Incredible Hulk jealous. You get the point. I don’t miss green beer.
saint puke
Saint Patrick’s day is an odd holiday to celebrate. It’s an excuse to get hammered. It would be like if we celebrated Saint Francis Of Assisi, who is from Italy, by drinking Peroni and eating spaghetti & meatballs. Or if we celebrated Saint John Paul ll from Poland by drinking cheap Polish vodka and eating perogies. It’s strange to celebrate a Saint by getting wasted. Maybe we should celebrate by praying. Never mind that doesn’t sound fun at all. Get wasted and puke.
doogie howser moment
Spring has sprung. Spring into action. April showers bring May flowers. I’m sure you’ve heard all those phrases about spring. Spring is always synonymous with new beginnings too. I’m sick of new beginnings every season. You don’t need the weather to change to change. There’s always articles about how spring is a good time to let go of the past and a time of rebirth. What they don’t tell you is how to avoid green beer on St. Patrick’s day. That March Madness is actually sad if your the losing team. That spring cleaning is unnecessary if you clean weekly. Lastly, please don’t forget to eat your crops.