weed shower
I went to the best baby shower ever. The expecting father was handing out joints. I said, “no thank you” because my 4 year old was right in front of me. He’s like, “don’t worry I brought an ounce.” Later in the party he gave me a handful of weed. No baggie. No container. Just raw weed. You ever been handed raw weed? It’s peculiar. It’s like he assumed I had my own weed storage on me. I wasn’t going to put raw weed in my pocket. I don’t put raw carrots in my pocket then eat them. It was crazy, everyone was smoking. Joints were everywhere. You know a true family friendly event. We were at park right near a playground and splash pad. I could’ve been the highest in my life at a baby shower. Not a concert, not a party, but a baby shower. The strangest of all places to get high.
baby amnesia
I sometimes tend to forget that I just had a newborn. We’ve had a baby 7 weeks ago. I shouldn’t forget that but I do. There will be times when I walk into my living room and see my baby and say, “omg how did a baby get in here!?! Whose baby is this? Ahhhh…. What the Hell!?!” Then I will collect my thoughts and remember that is my baby.
antidote
You know how a lot of men need viagra as they age. I need the opposite. I’m always hard. I’m always horny. I hate it. I need a anti boner pill. I need something to take my erection away. Scientists should study my wiener to make the next male performance pill. All they need to do is draw some blood from my wee wee and transplant it in other men’s. I guarantee you’ll be hard in minutes. Actually, I’m lying, you’ll be hard in seconds. I got the secret antidote.
onion money
Why are onion rings more expensive than French fries? It’s like we put onion rings on a pedestal. We will say “Should we get onion rings?” “Yeah I just got my Christmas bonus.” We think onion rings are a rare delicacy. You also get way less onion rings than fries. If you’re lucky you get 6 onion rings an order but you always get a handful of fries. It’s confusing because if you go to the store onions are far less cheaper than potatoes. I’m perplexed. Someone please tell me why onion rings are more expensive? And don’t tell me it’s because making onion rings is a labor intensive process. I just want more onion rings in my order.
pop ban
They banned microwave popcorn at my work. You can bring already popped popcorn, you just can’t microwave it at work. I guess there have been way too many incidents where the CEO had to make a decision to let people microwave popcorn or ban it. There were too many cases of unattended bags and the smell of burnt popcorn. Maybe HR needs to do a little more vetting during the interview process. That should be an interview question “can you microwave your own popcorn?’ It’s not that hard to microwave popcorn. You put it in for 3 minutes and wait until it stops popping then take it out. I think people were trying to pop every kernel in that bag. It’s not going to happen. It’s never been done in the history of popcorn. As of now the popcorn ban is still in effect. If you can’t pop your own popcorn using a microwave then you shouldn’t work here.
doogie howser moment
There’s no reason I should care that the world is getting screwed on buying onion rings. I think baby showers need more marijuana. They would be a lot more fun. That explains why I forgot I just had a baby even though I did not do marijuana at the party. Maybe marijuana is a bad thing. It affects short term memory loss. It’s probably the reason why people forget they are making microwaveable popcorn at work. In conclusion, if guys want to get hard and can’t, just get high and pretend.