words of wisdom?
“Life is not that bad if you have ice cream in the freezer” – me even though I don’t eat ice cream
bankrupt metabolism
I dislike my fast metabolism. It’s a strange thing to dislike. Most people would kill for a fast metabolism like mine but it’s more work. I’m sick of eating every 2 hours. I have to think of what to eat, buy it, make it, eat it, and then clean the dishes. You know how high my grocery bill is? My metabolism is going to make me file for bankruptcy. I’m just like “I have to eat again? Come on.” I would love to not eat for 4 hours and not be hungry. I would love to live my life and focus my energy on something other than eating. I would get so much more done in life.
food hand champ
I don’t like eating food from people’s hands even if it’s my own son’s. I know where my son’s hands have been. I know they aren’t washed. He’s been coughing for the last month, he has a runny nose, and skid marks on his underwear. There’s no way I’m eating a Cheeto from his hand. If an adult hands me a chip or piece of cheese I feel obligated. I take that piece of cheese and down it like a champ. Yes, I’m a real daredevil. I don’t want to look like a wimp in front of my peers. I want them to know I’m no b*tch so I say, “gimme that piece of aged cheddar on a artisan cracker now.”
sad celeb
We are always surprised when celebrities, athletes, or anyone famous has mental health issues. Why is that a surprise? Anyone on TV has issues with depression. For the millions of people that like them, there are millions of people that despise them. Millions of people dislike celebrities because they are famous. That would make me depressed if I was a celebrity, knowing that millions hate me. I can’t be depressed. I’m just an average joe. There is less than a handful of people who don’t care for me. There’s not enough people to make me depressed. You know? I don’t have millions of people on social media saying they hate me or want me dead. I’m living the life.
corn king
I need to find a new way to get attention at parties since I don’t drink. I used to drink which made me do crazy things like get naked and be the life of the party. Now I’m not the life of the party, I’m the flatline of the party, real boring. My new way of getting attention is through eating an insane amount of food. Food is a good way to get attention. I don’t need to drink beer to be fun. I can eat a lot of one type of food and be a hero. I was at party recently and ate 8 corn on the cobs. People were encouraging me to eat 6 when they found out I had 4. I had people who didn’t know me chanting my name. I felt like I did when I was in college but instead of chugging down beer I was deep throating corn.
these boots were made for walking
I love community bulitten boards at grocery store. It’s a place for people who don’t know they have the internet to post ads, sell items, or look for services. Recently, I saw a missing cat flyer at the grocery store. The missing cat flyer was written as if it was by the missing cat. Why would a missing cat write a note that it was missing even if it could write? The flyer stated, “My name is Boots. I escaped Wednesday Night and haven’t come home yet. I’m a orange tabby, medium hair length, and my tail is curled up when I walk. My owners are worried and so is my brother Archie. Please help me get home. Reward!” Well it seems to me that Boots doesn’t want to come home. Boots stated he escaped. Usually when people escape it’s usually from neglect or abuse. I think Boots was being mistreated. His tail was always curled up too. Another sign that Boots feared for her life. I’m sure the owners are “worried”, worried that Boots will go to the police and tell all. I hope Boots finds freedom and a better life. If I see Boots I’m not saying anything. I don’t need the petty reward. I just want Boots to be happy. Sorry Archie.
doogie howser moment
I’m not sure if Boots ever made it home. For all I know Boots could be roadkill by now. I guess don’t take life for granted. Live life to the fullest and eat mounds of corn no matter what kind of metabolism you have even if your son hands it to you with dirty hands. In retrospect I’m just glad I’m not a sad celebrity.