If my girlfriend had to name our sex life after a current TV show it would be “Naked & Afraid”.
neighborhood watch
While driving home I like to look into people’s living rooms to see what they are watching on TV. I’m just so curious. It’s getting to the point where I know their schedule. I know what they are watching or about to watch just from driving by so much. The corner house from me always watches sports. The middle house on my block has kids so they are watching cartoons. All the other houses that have the drapes closed are watching porn. How do I know because my drapes are closed too.
mad tv
If the TV was able to express itself it would have a lot to say. The TV would be angry. I’m sure it would say something like “dude can you give me a break? I’ve been on the last 8 hours. I’m not supposed to work overtime this week.” The TV just wants some peace and quiet. It doesn’t want kids grubby fingerprints all over it. It doesn’t want to be in your basement. It’s probably sick of all the crappy shows you watch like “not again… another cooking show…a fake reality show…I can’t watch the news… it’s depressing. I’m depressed. Turn me off. Throw me away. I’m done. And don’t even think about scrapping me or taking me to Goodwill.”
book club
A lot of my conversations with my friends revolve around what TV shows they watch. “Did you watch this?” “Did you watch that?” “You should watch it.” I think book clubs will soon be replaced by TV clubs. Instead of talking about what book you read you will discuss what happened on Ozark.
binge
I love TV. I don’t binge watch though. I can’t. I feel gross after. But is it really binge watching if you watch 4 shows in row? If you read an entire book in one day is that binge reading? If you volunteer at a food bank for 8 hours and hand out turkeys is that binge volunteering? Binging is only reserved for things that are considered negative. You can’t say you totally binge ate a salad. It’s too positive.
no tv friend
Remember everyone had a friend growing up whose parents didn’t let them watch TV? That was in the 90s before smartphones reigned supreme. What could they possibly do other than not watch TV? Did they just sit in the quiet house and stare at each other? We all thought they were weird. Now, I’m that weird parent. But instead of the TV I want my kid off the phone. I’m going to be that weird parent who doesn’t let their kid use a phone.
doogie howser moment
Everyone is telling us to limit our screen time but no one is telling us to limit our flat screen time. Why are screens so comforting? I’ve never binge watched TV but I have binge drank cheap beer. I’d rather watch people watch TV in their living room than watch it myself. No matter what they watch I’ll make fun of them even if I watch the same show. If anyone wants to be in my TV club let me know. We can drink Non Alcoholic beer and discuss shows.