quick zinger
You know how Target has cemented red balls in front of its store. Wal Mart should do the same thing but instead of red balls they would have blue balls then they’ll be like me.
home creepot
I went to use the bathroom at Home Depot and saw something peculiar. I saw a guy in the bathroom stall taking a dump while his 7 year old son was on the floor playing video games on his Iphone. The kid was sitting on the floor of the stall like he was at home in his own living room. The kid seemed very comfortable like it wasn’t his first time. I overheard the guy saying, “you ever have to use the bathroom so bad you forget what you came to the store for. McDonald’s doesn’t usually do this to me this fast.” I will never make my son witness me take a poop in a public restroom unless I’m teaching him a lesson on why you shouldn’t eat McDonalds.
cold sad
I’m starting to take cold showers at end of day because I saw a guy on YouTube do it. He says it has a lot of health benefits such as boosting your immune system, good for your skin, and relieves symptoms of depression. I’m not sure how it does any of these things. If I want to boost my immune system I’ll just take a Vitamin C. If I want good skin I’ll rub some lotion on me. The relieving of depression symptoms is the only health benefit that makes sense. You can’t be sad in the cold, you’re too cold. I’ve never seen a depressed person in the cold. You’re not sad. You’re cold. You’re not shivering “I’m so so sad” while tears are freezing to your face. You may be sad because it’s cold but not sad because your cold.
soap bar
I’m going to sound like an old guy right now but this generation sucks. Kids these days never have even used a bar of soap to wash themselves. They are all hopped up on body wash. I remember the days before body wash we used one bar of soap that the whole family shared. The one with dad’s pubes on it. The one you put in your butt crack. Yeah, that bar of soap. It was a magnet of family members body hairs. The whole family used that and know one thought twice about it. It wasn’t until they invented body wash I now realize how gross that was.
stop tickling
Elmo needs to stop talking in the third person. It’s getting old. Sesame Street is an educational show. It’s sending the wrong message to all the kids out there. I don’t blame Elmo for talking in the third person. You would be messed up too if you’ve been tickled your entire life. We need to stop tickling him. He is the most tickled person in the world. In the history of tickling no one has been tickled more. Millions have tickled Elmo. At what point is it assault. Elmo could have many cases if he wanted to. He could settle for a large settlement. Elmo vs. the children of the world.
oceans 3
Marine life have strange names if you think about it. First there’s the sperm whale. I can’t imagine how much sperm that whale is full of if you named it the sperm whale. What marine biologist had to figure that out or was he just a pervert and wanted to put sperm in a whale’s name? Then there is the blow fish. Who named this fish? A hooker. What type of whore fish is going around blowing fish dicks? Apparently, the blowfish is. If your a sea animal reading this don’t get head from a blowfish or get a money shot from a spermwhale because you will get crabs.
doogie howser moment
I don’t know why I’m punishing myself with cold showers because the benefits are minimal. I guess it saves on my water bill that I don’t pay. If I ever invent something or discover a new species I can’t wait to name it. I’m going to give a new bug species I find and call it the “salad tosser”. Why not? I still have regrets of tickling Elmo. Poor guy. Not as poor as the kid who had to watch his dad take a dump at Home Depot though. Hey kids if you’re reading this use a bar of soap it’ll put hair on your chest maybe not your hair but hair nonetheless.