I ponder
What would people do without frozen pizza?
my reaction: Starve.
the catapult
I like to reminisce about the good ol days. The days when I had freedom. One such memory was during 2002 Spring Break. I remember counting my boners on a road trip to Florida with my college buddies. I tallied every boner I got on a piece of paper. My friends would verify it with a pencil by lightly tapping on the imprint through my pants. It was a 16 hour road trip. I was averaging a boner per hour. Yes, if you did your boner math correctly that means I had 16 different boners on the way to Florida. I did this one trick called the catapult where I would bend back my boner then my friends in the backseat would load it with a penny and we would launch it to see how far it would go. This was before anyone had a cellphone and had pennies. So out of the 16 boners I got I didn’t use one single boner on that trip. All my boners died peacefully and went to Boner Heaven.
silly rabbit
Recently I had to throw away a dead rabbit that died in our backyard. I’m not good with dead animals. It’s not my cup of tea. I decided to bring my 5 year old son to show him a lesson in manhood. We made our way to the dead bunny. Nerves were tense. I knew I needed to do this fast. I used a shovel to scoop the rabbit into a grocery bag and then ran as fast as I could to the garbage bin. The whole time I was shoveling it into the garbage I was screaming. The rabbit was stiff and hard. It was gross. My son looked on and I showed him how to be a man…. a screaming whining man.
alt to altar
I have a friend who is getting married. He is one of my last friends who has been in a relationship for over 10 years besides me who hasn’t gotten married. I’m still not married after 12 years of dating my girl and having 2 kids. I tell people I live an alternative lifestyle. Honestly I’m saving up for the ring. Honestly, I just made that up. I’m not saving for a ring. I got to pay my gf rent. I can’t afford a ring. If it’s not broke don’t fix it.
stay active
I once told my supervisor that I wanted to be the “shooter” in a active shooter drill at work. I didn’t just blurt out that randomly during a meeting “hey I want to be a shooter”. That would be a cause for concern. She was letting us know that there might be a active shooter drill, so I said, “Oh… Can I be the shooter?” Then proceeded to do machine gun sound effects. I should’ve been fired or at the very least put on probation. In my mind, I just wanted to give a riveting performance and prepare my team for a crisis. I didn’t need to add the sound effects. I could’ve just asked politely if they needed assistance in obtaining actors for the drill.
teacher’s office
There’s a female teacher at my step kid’s middle school who looks like she has or will sleep with a student. I’m just waiting to see her name in the news for sleeping with a student. It’ll be consensual. She’ll say she loves him because she is emotionally immature and he will go with it because he thinks it cool. His parents will find a nude picture of her in his phone. The parents will go to the police and she will be in jail. She looks like all the other female teachers who’ve slept with students in the news. Usually young, average looking, and desperate. These teachers are never ugly. What middle schooler is trying to hook up with an ugly teacher? This teacher could get most guys she talks too. She dresses we’ll below her age. She wears too much make up. I kinda want it to happen just so I can say, “yep called it”.
doogie howser moment
I made a big step in becoming a man this past week by shoveling a dead rabbit into my garbage. Sure I screamed like a little b*tch but I did it. I’ve really grown as a person. I may live an alternative lifestyle but I no longer catapult pennies off my boners, I just theorize about what teacher is sleeping with the students while eating frozen pizza. She may not be an active shooter but she is an active cooter. That’s an alternative lifestyle you shouldn’t live.
Hahahaha