# 14 like Anthony Mason

overheard in a conversation I was in

“who taught you how to read dates”– my dad responding to me after I told him that the box of Rice-A-Roni we were about to eat expired

My reaction: Who taught me to read dates? No one. It’s common sense. I don’t eat food past the expiration date neither should you. Maybe that’s why I don’t talk to him anymore. I was in 7^th grade at the time. I was always a little skeptic of when my dad cooked. Not because it was bad but because he bought food at Big Lots.

beard clarity

While on vacation in Door County an older gentleman complimented my beard. He asked me if I used conditioner and basic beard maintenance questions. He said it looked really nice and then had to clarify “Don’t worry…I’m not trying to come onto you or anything”. No clarification needed. I was with my entire family on a hiking trial. It did not cross my mind once that you, a man in your 60s, while you with your wife, and me with my family, were you trying to hit on me. I took it. A man to man compliment. Men….it’s okay to compliment other men. Don’t be scared to do it. Compliment each other. Next time a guy says you have a nice set of testicles. Say thank you and continue your day.

pandemic amnesia

I often forget we are in a pandemic. I think a lot of other people do too. I’m sure you know someone who tries to make cute little jokes about Covid-19. We all know the guy who drinks Corona to be “funny” and “ironic”. We all fake freak out when someone coughs and says “what do you got…. Covid?” sarcastically. How bad would you feel if they said, “yeah… I do”. We all have the friends who give Covid-19 a nickname like “Cah-Vid”, “The Vid”, “Co-Veed”, and my personal favorite “C-19” which I just made up. I have become very introverted over the last couple of months. I think I’ve always had an inclination towards being an introvert. You know how people say “40 is the new 20”. Well, “Introvert is the new Extrovert”. People say the pandemic has brought the worse out of people. I think the worse of people has been always been out, we didn’t need a pandemic. The world was a horrible place before this. I compare how people perceive the pandemic to an All you can eat Buffet. People pick and choose what they like/dislike about it and then put it on there plate to consume. It seems like people are either at the soft serve ice cream bar thinking it’s all good with no care in the world or there all freaking out at the salad bar because there’s no steak left.

phone empathy

Do you notice how people treat their phones like a rare piece of gold? People treat their phones as if it were an internal organ of theirs. Anytime someone drops their phone people screech and make sounds effects like “oow” as if they just broken a bone. “Is your phone okay? Ouch…Sorry to hear”. Then when anyone loses their phone they have to put out an Amber Alert. They post “Have you seen me” signs around the neighborhood. They frantically look around like a drug addict for there next fix. I don’t know. Phones don’t bring happiness. People compare their phone’s battery life to their actual life. Ever hear someone complain about their battery life? “I’m only at 10%… my phone is going to die”. It actually sounds like that person is actually going to pass away. People act like they are on life support. It’s like they need a defibillerator. Then when people are at 100% they are like “let’s go… I’m at 100%… I’m ready to go… wooo!”. My girlfriend holds her phone more than she holds me and that’s not a knock on her. Probably a knock on me. Her phone gives her up to date news, allows her to shop for necessities, and has a GPS. All I do make is point out her insecurities, poke her, and pass gas.

mouthing off

Whenever I eat a veggie burger amongst friends they always got to put their 2 cents in. “Why do you eat that?” Your basically asking me Why do I eat veggies? Why do you care what I put in my mouth? It’s my mouth. It’s my mouth which is full of bacteria, cold sores, and bad breath. You should be worried about what’s coming out of your mouth instead of what’s going in mine. I don’t judge you for eating Kraft singles, well at least not to your face. Unhealthy people always care what healthy people eat. It’s like when all the dumb kids make fun of the smart kids for being smart. I remember my brother got made fun of for being smart in middle school. “Hey nerd… how are all those A’s you dumb brainaic…” How dumb is that? He stopped being smart because of that. If you’re a dumb person who has ever made fun of a smart person you should not be able to access a Doctor of any sort. You made your dumb bed… now lie in it…. Your death bed that is. All I’m saying is respect my mouth.

happy for me

I asked my girlfriend if I could date after she passes away and she said, “of course”. I thought that was nice of her. I don’t know if I would want her to date after I die. I think I would be too jealous. She said she would want me to be happy. It’s a strange concept to grab a hold of. My dead gf would want me to date so I can be happy without her? That seems like cheating in a way. I don’t know if I could do it. The only thing I’d do is a couple of one night stands. Not a serious relationship but a few meaningless bangs, you know to honor her life because that is what she wanted. It would be purely out of respect for her. Hey… she wants me to be happy. Don’t blame me, blame her.

pulling back the curtains

Anthony Mason averaged 10.8 points and 8.3 rebounds in his 13-year NBA career. Mason earned the NBA Sixth Man of the Year Award in 1995 and led the NBA in minutes played in the following two seasons. He averaged 42 minutes and played all 82 games in the 95-96 season. He only rested 6 minutes per game. There is no player close to those minutes played per game now. In 1997, he was named to the All-NBA Third Team and the NBA All-Defensive Second Team. He also was selected to the 2001 NBA All-Star Game because Alonzo Mourning and Grant Hill were unable to play due to injury. In the Notorious Big song “Story to Tell” the rapper tells of sleeping with the girlfriend of a New York Knick in the player’s home. This player was revealed, decades later, to be Mason.

doogie howser moment

It’s okay to compliment other people and have no interest in them. In fact we should do it more. Don’t you just want them to be happy just like my girlfriend wants me to be happy by sleeping around after she is dead. If someone is eating a veggie burger, tell them that’s a “great veggie burger”, don’t scoff at it. Don’t care what’s going in other people’s mouths . If a celebrity sleeps with your partner take it as a compliment.