what I’m giving up for lent
being a little b word
my reaction: I’m so glad there isn’t a hidden camera in our house. I would be exposed of all the petty things I do. You would see how much of a little whiny b*tch I am. I scour the house to look for things I can complain about. Why is the pillow off the couch? Why is there a lego on the carpet? Why did no one throw out this ranch dressing that is about to expire? I would not want a reality show about me.
mad about me
Last week, I got mad at my gf because she didn’t thank me for dinner. I made a nice home cooked meal. It took me 30 minutes to prepare. I thought I should at least get a thank you but I didn’t. Then I realized I made us ramen noodles. I boiled some noodles from a package. It didn’t take me 30 minutes. A thank you wasn’t necessary. Ramen noodles are the easiest thing to make. It’s the first thing I learned how to cook when I was in 5th grade. I made us what 12 year olds eat when they don’t know how to cook. If anything I should’ve thanked her for eating it.
mouth guard
When I get mad I tend to grit my teeth. I’ve been grinding my teeth so much that it’s changed my entire teeth structure. I’ve been doing this so much lately that my bottom teeth have moved. If I get any more mad my teeth are going to look jacked up. I can’t look jacked up. I’m going to chip a tooth. My teeth are going to look like a junkie’s. I’m going to look like I eat bowls of sugar and have never brushed my teeth. I’m going to start wearing a mouth guard when I’m at the house. If it works for athletes, it should work for me.
dutch loving
After a month of sleeping in unwashed bedsheets we finally changed them. They were starting to get sour. I think it’s all the dutch ovens I’ve been doing in my bed. A dutch oven is when you fart in your bed sheets then put your head in the sheets to smell it afterwards. I think it should be called something else. I’ve made a lot of good food in a real dutch oven. It should be called a taint toaster or must microwave. Anyways, I don’t like to fart in new sheets. I give it one week before I start farting in my bed sheets again. I don’t want my new sheets to smell good for at least 7 days.
wake up
My gf will still wake me up in the morning. I’m 41. It’s like when your mom woke you up before you went to school. I’m just like a kid who doesn’t want to wake up and go to school. Instead of going to school I complain that I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want want to wake up. She will have to remind me that I have a family to take care of. She will have to sing me an inspirational song to get me going. I don’t have the energy to wake up even though I slept for 8 hours. You’d think I would’ve learned how to get up early after all these years by now but I haven’t.
me read
I like to read in the bathroom. It makes me feel smart. Even if it’s just one chapter I still like to read. It could be just one page. It could be one sentence. It still counts as reading. Reading makes me feel like an intellectual. I also read books to my son every night. We started reading chapter books. It’s tough to read aloud. I don’t feel intellectual when I read out loud. It’s hard. I feel dumb again. Reading in my mind is a lot easier. My son probably has no idea what I’m saying because I’m fumbling over my words.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, it seems like I get mad a lot. I don’t want you to think I’m a mad man. I just complain about small things. I heard it’s better out than in. I think that’s why I sleep so much. The more I sleep the less I can complain. I also can’t complain when I’m reading. I should complain about dropping dutch ovens in my sheets but I like the smell. Overall, I’m going to stop being a little b word but you will never know because I will never put a camera in my house. But if you really want to know just look at my teeth.