something i’ve been saying a lot
free the nipple
my reaction: Lately, I’ve been asking my gf to free the nipple. I’ve asked her several times throughout the week to ‘free the nipple’. However, she has not freed the nipple. Her nipple is still in captivity. She needs to be free from societal norms, our patriarchal society, and rid herself of political fascists who want her nipples to be contained. Honestly, I don’t care. I just want to say free the nipple.
must try
Recently my 7-year-old needed help opening a mustard packet for a hot dog. I thought this is something he should be able to do independently by now. He is entering the second grade. For the amount of hot dogs he eats he should be able to do this. He is way behind the other kids who can do this. I feel like he is falling behind. I’m not sure if he will be able to have mustard from a packet. This is how I’m teaching my son to be a man. I’m not teaching him how to fight off a bully. I’m teaching him how to find the ‘tear here’ arrow and squirt some mustard on his hot dog.
bed bud and beyond
I think I like owning weed more than smoking it. I like having it around. Honestly, I rarely do it. I just like the fact that I have some just to tell people I’m cool. I like smelling it more than smoking it. I will often open up my jar of weed and just smell it. It’s my version of aromatherapy. I do a line of weed smell. I take in a big whiff and breathe in. It’s so relaxing. I’m actually just really cheap and I’m trying to get high without smoking it. I’m trying to make it last longer. So far, it’s not been working but I keep trying. It will eventually work.
let love fly
I asked my gf if she could kill a fly because I was too busy on my Ipad lying on the couch. I said, “honey… could you kill this fly for me?’. She never ended up doing it. I just want her to enable me. I was being lazy at that very moment. Killing a fly sounds like a simple request but if you don’t have a fly swatter it can get difficult. As the man of house, I should be able to kill a fly. I think I was just testing her love. The fly eventually just flew away. I can’t kill a fly and my son can’t open a mustard packet.
scrub a scrub
Scrub a Dub is an oil change/car wash service center that now offers free vacuums. The vacuums used to be $1.00. I used to have to scrounge up 4 quarters and pick the vacuum that lasted the longest. It took me months of research to find the vacuum that lasted the longest but I did. It was the first vacuum in the row of vacuums at my local Scrub a Dub. It lasted 30 seconds longer than the other vacuums. I had a vacuum cleaning strategy in where I would run from front seat to back seat to ensure I was able to finish before the timer went off. Now, I don’t have to worry about that. I can just take my time. I can leisurely get my suck on.
checkers
I think on average we check our phones over 100 times a day. I’ve never counted but I’m sure it’s up there. I have a flip phone and I even check that a lot so I assume people check their smartphone over 100 times. It seems like it’s creating OCD. It’s killing our will power. What if I did that with other stuff I had? What if I checked my balls that much? I would be giving myself 100 prostrate exams a day. My nuts would be too healthy. Some people would think I’m a pervert. I’m not. I’m just checking them to see if their healthy. But in reality I shouldn’t touch my balls that much.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, let’s all free the nipple. I feel like our phones are our new nipples. It’s like a baby wanting mommy’s milk. Our phone is our milk. It’s funny because I’m trying to teach my kid how to open a mustard packet and I just want to google how to do it. I want to kill a fly but I don’t know how unless I look at how to do it on someone’s phone. In summary, I just want to inhale some weed and vacuum my car for free.