overheard in a conversation I was in
“oh…he ate all the bologna… not one slice…not a few…the whole package”- the janitor at work talking about the other janitor who ate her bologna
my reaction: She was fuming about how her coworker ate all her bologna. I’m glad she can confide in me because it was a good rant to witness. She said she didn’t mind if he took some and stated, “at least have the decency to save me a slice.” I never realized bologna was that good that someone would eat a whole pack of bologna that’s not theirs. Also, I never realized that someone would get that mad about someone eating all their bologna. I, personally would be happy if someone ate all my bologna because then I wouldn’t have to eat it. She was so upset about that she told me the bologna story twice in one day. I’ve never seen someone so irate over processed meat.
step kid news
Everyone is always excited about hearing baby news. They often say things like, “Congratulations”, “that’s great”, or “way to go”. No one is ever excited your having a step kid. You never get the same response as you would if you tell them you are having a step kid. It’s usually like “oh…how’s that going for you?”, “good for you”, or “how old are they?”. Never “Congratulations” or “I’m so happy for you!”
poo assist
I was walking a dog we were dog sitting last week hoping that it would not poop on someone’s lawn but it did. Luckily, my neighbor was walking by with her dog as my dog was pooping. I was definitely under equipped to pick up dog poo. I didn’t have a bag to pick it up nor the courage. Back in the day I would’ve just left in the lawn by yelling “oh… looks like it didn’t poop… false alarm!” and walk away. But I’m older and wiser. I like to think I’m a decent human being. My neighbor did have a bag and gave me one. I was grateful. She saw the angst in my body as I was not looking forward to picking up the dog poop. She offered to pick it up knowingly I’d probably deny her offer but I didn’t. I said, “sure.. I was hoping you would say that.” She gladly picked it up and even disposed of it on her way home. She held on to a bag of dog poo that wasn’t her for at least 3 blocks. That’s a great neighbor. That’s the most we have ever talked.
so stressed
My gf has been really stressed out at work and life. Instead of saying “it’s okay hun… there will be brighter days ahead”, I said “you should put your hands on your face, slump over a chair, and cry… just let it all out… have a mid life crisis”. Why run away from it? Take it on head first. Go right into the deep end.
fathers day
For Father’s Day my girlfriend made brunch for me and her ex husband. It’s a little weird to be sharing Father’s Day with your girlfriend’s ex husband. It’s even weirder that she is making food for him. Y’all broke up, you shouldn’t get that perk anymore. It’s sound more strange than it is but it isn’t, they share kids together. The kids wanted to have a joint Father’s Day. I guess I should feel special that they put me in the same category as their dad unless they have daddy issues then I don’t want to be in the same category.
in my field
To make myself sound like I’m doing something with my life I’m starting to say, “in my field”. When you say, “in my field” you sound like you do something important. A lot of people with medical backgrounds say, “well in my field we do things this way.” They sound smart, important, and useful. I used to work at Noodles & Co. I could never use the “in my field” phrase at Noodles. “Well… in my field we used to make Mac N Cheese with Cheddar not Mozzarella.” That just sounds dumb.
sex medal
I have a married friend who always works in how he has sex with his wife while his wife is right there in the conversation with us. Every single time we see him. I don’t need to know. I don’t care. What do you want me to say? How do you want me to react? Do you want me to high five you? Do you need an affirmation? Do you want a sex medal stating that you participate in sex? Everytime you tell me you have sex with your wife I’m going to imagine it. That’s what happens when you tell someone you have sex, you imagine them doing it.
pulling back the curtains
Scott Pollard attended the University of Kansas and was the 19th pick of the 1997 NBA Draft, selected by the Detroit Pistons. He won a championship in his final season (2007–08) with the Boston Celtics. Pollard was known across the NBA for his peculiar hairstyles, which included a Mohawk, a single pony tail, and a bald head. On January 2, 2006, he introduced a new hairstyle when he wore two pony tails during a Pacers home game against the Seattle SuperSonics.
doogie howser moment
Never and I mean never touch another person’s bologna unless your ready to deal with the consequences. But if your feeling adventurous go ahead but “in my field” we don’t steal bologna. I also don’t pick up other dog owner’s dog poop and talk about how I have sex with my gf “in my field”.