christmas lament
Do you think before Frosty was a “Snowman” was he a “Snowboy”?
type 1 santa
With all the milk and cookies people have left for Santa you’d think he develop an intolerance to diary and have diabetes. It’s only a matter of time until Santa is hanging off the side of his sleigh taking a dump in the Atlantic Ocean. He definitely has to have type 1 diabetes. I’m sure he is taking insulin injections on the daily to curb his blood sugar levels. Easy on the cookies Santa. You know there are some health conscience families leaving him celery sticks and carrots like that’s going to reverse his diabetes. I’m surprised Santa has lived that long with the diet he eats. I’m sure Mrs. Clause is not a healthy cook either. You ever seen her? Yikes. If I was Santa I would’ve been dating a hot new elf by now but that’s just me.
rocking out
Does anyone know what Mrs. Claus does? I have no clue. It seems to me she just sits in her rocking chair knitting 365 days of the year? How much knitting can she do? I think Santa has enough handmade mittens and scarves to last him a life time. Would it hurt to get up once in awhile and workout you old senile wench? Maybe you could do some pilates or yoga. Get that body moving Mrs. Clause. You have let yourself go a little too long. It’s time to wake up and get off your rocker. You’ve been slowly deteriorating. The only thing good about you are your knockers. Geez… Mrs. Clause has got a huge rack.
check yourself
It is said that Santa is checking his list and checking it twice. It sounds like Santa is OCD. No one needs to check the list twice. I think once is enough. People don’t change. Do you really have the time to check twice? That’s 9 billion people. I would imagine if you checked that list once it would take decades to find out if someone was naughty or nice. You have to basically do an entire background check on every living human being. That’s a lot of work even if Santa is using modern technology, but judging by the North Pole, it seems like his data entry system is outdated. Even if he has internet that’s still a lot of work to do. I’m calling Santa’s bluff, there is no way he is checking it twice.
you better not
Santa also said, “you better not pout you better not cry.” I don’t think that’s great advice Santa. Better in than out. Let it out-cry. If you don’t,you’ll have severe issues when your older and then you’ll definitely be on the naughty list. You’ll end up with servere mental issues all because Santa said “stop pouting… you better not cry.” Santa is basically threatening all these kids to be emotionless. Maybe Santa wants more people on the naughty list, so then he has to make less toys. It’s a big Santa conspiracy theory I’ve been working on for decades.
elf action
How many elves do you think live in the North Pole? The movies make it seem like there are only 50. It seems like a small tight knit community. I think there has got to be in 1000s by now. I’m sure there has been a lot of elf-on-elf action through the decades. You can’t tell me there are only 50 elves. The elve community is a very sexual group. I’m sure they blow off steam after a long day of making presents by hitting the pub, drinking excessively, and having one night stands. I’m sure there have been a lot baby elves out of wedlock. I’m just saying the elf community is not as innocent as you think. There is no way someone can be that happy working a sh*t job.
ginger bread creep
The gingerbread man is a creepy baked item. It’s weird that we eat a cookie shaped as a man. It’s almost a form of cannibalism. It’s symbolic cannibalism in a way. It’s the only desert we eat that’s shaped in the form of a man. I’m glad there isn’t other food shaped as men. I wouldn’t want to eat man shaped chicken nuggets or a big man shaped hot dog. I’m grossing myself out just writing about it. We got cookies shaped as Santa too. It’s weird. I don’t want to have a birthday party where people eat cookies shaped as me. However, I will eat Mrs. Clause’s cookie.
holiday remix conclusion
In conclusion, I do think Frosty the Snowman was a Snowboy. He had to be. He couldn’t have been born a man. In fact, he had to be born a Snowbaby. I hope Santa reads this and gets his act together. Mrs. Clause has enabled him way too long. Santa needs to divorce her and marry an elf or the gingerbread man. I’m sure if Santa reads this I’m definitely on the naughty list, but don’t worry I’m not going to pout or cry about it, I’ll hold it in.