something I don’t like
the “meat farts”
my reaction: I don’t eat much meat but when I do I get what I call the meat farts. When you have the meat farts it smells very close to the meat you just ate. Every time I eat a piece of meat I can smell the animal I just had. If I eat a chicken wing, my farts smell like a chicken coop. If I eat beef my farts smell like a feed lot. I don’t like when my farts smell like a barn. It turns me off. I want my farts to be neutral. I want a good veggie fart in where it smells like a baby carrot. Sweet yet inviting. Broccoli has never done my farts wrong.
unsolicited relationship advice from someone who is not good at relationships
I like when people who are starting to date someone new they say “We’re taking it slow”. You sure you want to do that? You’ve been taking it slow your whole life, how can you take it any slower? You take it any slower, the person is going to be on Tinder on a new date. You should be taking it fast in this modern world of dating. You can be replaced with a push of button. You will be obsolete in seconds if you “take it slow”. Take it fast. This has been another segment of unsolicited relationship advice from someone who is not good at relationships.
dumber games
You ever dwell on a movie that has a bad ending and you think about an alternate ending that would’ve suited your personal needs better. It’s always a rom com that has a ending that you didn’t want. You get mad at the character for not taking or taking the person they broke up with back. Even though it’s fiction you take it to heart. I did this with The Hunger Games. I was so mad at Katniss Everdeen for taking Peeta back and it’s been 2 years since I watched that movie. I just want her to be happy and I know for a fact she won’t be happy with him.
bush man
People will say, “Hey Curt… I was thinking of you the other day.” “Oh…. were you?” It makes me feel good when people think of me randomly. I like when I’m one of their thousand daily thoughts. It’s usually when they eat something spicy or when I did something crazy in college. I guess it’s all in good fun. They don’t think of me when they are taking out the garbage. That would be not good. They don’t think of me when they are showering and they look down at their patch of hairy p*bes and be like “oh Curt has one of those too.” Actually, they do think of that. They do think of my bush.
fast salad
I saw a person getting a salad at Culver’s. Who are you trying to fool? Are you sick of the meat farts? You go to Culver’s for butter burgers not butter salads. At that point, just go to the grocery store and buy a jar of dressing and salad mix . Boom! You have salad for a week. It’s like that person is trying to show off by saying, “Look at what I got. I’m healthy.’ We don’t care. This is not Panera. You’re not impressing us. Your making a fool out of yourself. Go to a burger place for a burger. It’s like when people put their bicycle on the front of a bus and then get on. Your not fooling us. Your fake healthy.
teen dad
The media has sensationalized the “Teen Mom” by giving them TV shows and making them famous. I don’t get it. It makes me want to go back to High School and be a Teen Dad. I want to be famous for getting someone pregnant. They only talk about the Teen Mom never the Teen Dad. I want to make that show “Teen Dad”. It would be from the perspective of a Teen Dad. He would continue to live at home with his parents, play sports, and play video games as if nothing ever happened.
pulling back the curtains
Ron Artest was drafted with the 9th pick by the Chicago Bulls in 1999 in the first round. In 2010, he won a NBA championship with the LA Lakers. He won the NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award in 2011. He has changed his name to Metta World Peace but now it’s Metta Sandiford-Artest. Artest also released a rap album entitled My World in 2006. Artest also auctioned off his 2009–10 championship ring and donated the proceeds to various mental health charities nationwide.
doogie howser moment
I think I missed my calling in life. Maybe I should’ve been a Teen Dad but with the bush I had no one was trying to make that happen. Plus, I was too busy taking it slow, so slow that I never even dated in High School. I was too busy laughing at my meat farts. If I was a Teen Dad my kid would be 24. But I’m an Adult Dad who makes fun of people who eat salads at Culver’s and get jealous of characters in movies that are not real.