overheard in a conversation I was in
“I wake up every day stressed and nothing has even happened yet”-me telling my mom I have anxiety
Reaction: What the hell has happened in my sleep that I have to be stressed about? Nothing. I’m asleep.
food spelled backwards is doof
I hate to ruin food for you but I am. If you think about it, food is pre poop. Pre poop is food. Our whole entire being is based on food. So the only way to survive is by eating pre poop. They say the most important meal of the day is breakfast which will turn out to be your late evening poop. We are all CEOs of our own poop factories. Everybody is Willy Wonka in that they have their own “chocolate factory”. It’s funny that chefs spend hours in the kitchen to prepare these great tasting meals only to be turned into turds of terror. I love food but now I only think of how it will turn into poo. I can’t even take my girl out to dinner because I imagine what the food she is eating will turn into. I’ve ruined the one thing I loved, food. I think I’m depressed.
the bottom of the rock
I finally did it! I hit rock bottom. I gave in. I’m going to see my first therapist. Might as well with all this stimulus money I got. Support your local therapist. I’m actually kind of excited to see my therapist which I feel like defeats the whole purpose of seeing a therapist in the first place. Shouldn’t I be sad? I shouldn’t be excited like it’s a night out on the town. It’s like I’m buying friendship. While searching for a therapist I looked for a guy who most resembled me thinking that somehow we can relate to each other and he will give me better service. Will see what the future holds for me and my therapist. In the past I never did therapy because when I’m feeling down I don’t have the urge to call one but when I’m happy I feel no reason to call. It’s a cycle that doesn’t move. Will see if I follow through?
sex gummy
You know how they make vitamin gummies and cbd gummies with all of these supposed health benefits? I don’t know if I buy it. Do you think they really work? Can you really get healthier by eating a gummy worm? If that’s the case, why don’t we make gummy bears that cure STDs? “Hey doc I had unprotected sex with a rando… can you prescribe me some gnorrhea gummies?” Maybe birth control should come in the form of gummies too. No one woman would “accidentally not forgot to take those”. Let’s make gummies with some real benefits. I’m talking to you gummy bear industry.
you pay taxes
Anyone who does something that you disagree with, don’t get mad, just agree them and say, “you pay taxes”. People love to play the “I pay taxes” card to rationalize something they do that’s selfish. For example, if someone cuts you off while your on the freeway just yell out the window “YOU PAY TAXES!” to them. If someone doesn’t wear a mask that’s highly encouraged while at a shopping store just tell them “You pay taxes”. You can get away with anything with the “I pay taxes” creed. Apparently, it entitles you to do anything you want. So after your wife catches you pulling one in the bathroom just tell her “I PAY TAXES”.
leggo my preggo
One of my favorite moments to watch at a playground is when I see a pregnant woman go down a slide. It’s one of the most entertaining things money can’t buy. I get so excited when I see a pregnant woman at a playground because I only know it’s a matter of time before she is going down a slide. I’m just waiting for that moment when a pregnant woman gets stuck in the middle of the slide. That would be epic. I don’t want to see a pregnant woman slide off and get hurt, that would be awful. But if a pregnant woman was going down the slide and just all of a suddenly stopped in the middle… tears would ensue. I’m in tears just imagining that. In no way am I making fun of pregnant woman. Just visualize a pregnant woman in the middle of a slide begging her kid to wedge her out.
pulling back the curtains: Manute Bol
Manute Bol was born in Sudan and one of the tallest NBA players at 7’7. His rookie season he averaged 5 blocks per game while only playing 26 minutes per game. Imagined if he played the whole game, he would possibly average 10 blocks per game. He is the only player to retire from the NBA with more blocks than points. He was also known as a political activist, a humanitarian, and gave a lot of his earnings to charities supporting refugees in his hometown of Sudan. If we could all be like Manute the world would be a better place, unless you got your shot blocked by him. He also has a son who got drafted to the NBA, his name is Bol Bol. I wish LeBron’s mom named him James so LeBron would be James James. I actually knew a guy named James James while working at the Boys and Girls Clubs. You couldn’t do that with a Polish name like Dabrowski, he would be Dabrowski Dabrowski. It doesn’t work like that.
doogie howser moment
They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’ve been laughing all my life and still have problems. But if I’m having a bad day there is nothing better than a woman in her 3rd trimester barreling down a slide. You have the right to disagree with me because You Pay Taxes. You can say I pay taxes your entire life or see a therapist. There’s only so much complaining, gummies, and deflecting where it doesn’t work anymore. But if anyone has a gummy I’ll take one.