intro
One night my gf wanted me to buy children swim trunks at 10pm.
my reaction: Our son needed swim trunks for a summer school field trip to the pool the next day so my gf wanted me to go to Target and buy a pair at 10pm. There was no way I’m buying boy swim trunks that late especially when I currently have a mustache. Too many red flags. If you saw a man at Target buying boy trunks and only trunks at night you’d call the cops.
my reality show
One of my favorite times at the house is when a argument is going to occur between my gf and her 15 year old daughter. I get so excited. It’s way more entertaining than any YouTube, Tik Tok, or ESPN sports highlight video. I get a front row seat in real time of an argument that keeps me on the edge of my seat. It’s riveting. It’s suspenseful. It’s the best argument yet! The yelling, the screaming, and the special effects are amazing. It always delivers a plot twist at the end. I feel like I’m doing a movie review by a renowned movie critic. As soon as I hear a argument brewing I grab a refreshment, popcorn, and a light snack. I silence my cell phone and make sure I go to the bathroom so I don’t miss any of the action. It’s the greatest show on Earth.
culvers pew
I was at Culver’s and I saw a family pray before they were about to eat. I thought you pray about home cooked food not fast food. What did they say, “Dear Heavenly Father thank you for blessing us with this food that you have put upon our plates today. We are so thankful for the butter on the burgers, the crinkle cut fries, and custard ice cream that you have bestowed on our souls. We are forever in debt for your kindness. All praises due to you the almighty Father.” They should say, “Thank you father for sabotaging our intestines with a burger that a high school kid who might’ve spit in it made. Amen.” I never seen anyone pray before eating fast food. I guess it’s a form of fast gratitude.
listen..body
A lot of health gurus will say “listen to your body”. Listen to your body means reflecting on how you feel after eating, exercise, or anything. It’s taking time to check in with yourself. Guys, I don’t want to listen to my body anymore. I’ve listened to my body enough. My body tells me to stay in bed and don’t get up. My body tells me to not take risks and chances in life. My body tells me to not be vunerable. I’m sick of listening to my body. My body tells me to eat another chicken wing when I shouldn’t. My body has been giving me the wrong answers all my life. Sorry body, I’m going to stop listening. I’m going to do the opposite of what you “tell” me. I’m going to give you the silent treatment and see what happens.
harley salad
I saw a group of fully tattooed Harley bikers with full beards pull into a Panera. It took me by surprise. Panera? I associate bikers with eating burgers, steak, wings, pizza, and bacon. I don’t associate them with healthy deli sandwiches, soup, and salad. I’ve never seen a biker eat a vegetable. I’ve never seen them eat celery sticks and baby carrots. I’m glad bikers are going to Panera and changing their diets. It’s good to see them enjoy a ½ sandwich and salad with a smoothie on the side while they are doing burn outs in the parking lot.
feel fair
I went to a French Festival called Bastille Days and got escargot. Escargot is a fancy way of saying snails. I paid $10 to eat 6 snails on a piece of bread. It was the healthiest thing there. It’s hard finding healthy food at fairs. All the food is fried. All the drinks are full of alcohol. All the sweets will give you diabetes. It’s hard going to a fair and feeling good afterwards. I want to enjoy my time, not have a tummy ache. I passed one food booth that was selling a combo platter of French fries, mozzarella sticks, and cheese curds. That sounds like an upset stomach. Who am I to judge, I just ate snails. Not sure why I thought eating snails was better than that.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, why watch reality shows when you live in one. There’s nothing more entertaining than real life. I get to see people pray at Culver’s. I watch big bad Harley gang members eat soup and salad. I watch people eat fair food that will eventually put them in a hospital. I guess we should listen to our bodies more but if we did life wouldn’t be that fun. Don’t listen to your body unless your gf wants you to buy a boy swimsuit after 10pm, then by all means listen to your body.