overheard in a conversation I was in
“You should really go to this new pizza place… it’s really good”- my girlfriend recommending a restaurant she has never been to a couple we met at a park
my reaction: You can’t recommend a place you’ve never been to. Right? She did not only recommend a place she never been to but said it it to people we barely know. Are you trying to be friends with them or not? How are they going to think we are honorable people?
rummage food
A co worker always brings food to share to work, which is nice, but not during a pandemic. I don’t want food you don’t want. If you don’t want it why would I want it. But I guess it’s no different than eating food from a restaurant, a restaurant that doesn’t follow any food and safety guidelines that is. It’s just another hand that touched my food. It’s like when restaurants say we have ‘hand cut fries’. I don’t want extra hands on my potatoes that don’t need to be. Give me ‘machine cut fries’ any day of the week. I guess it doesn’t matter if she brings food or not. Most of the time I just take the food and throw it out when I get home. I’m not trying to get an upset stomach, I can do that on my own. I did however eat the pickles she gave me and seem to be fine, except for that IBS I mysteriously got after eating it.
c dust
The great thing about wearing masks is that you can come to work high and no one will know. No one will smell that you reek of pot until they look at your bloodshot eyes and notice you have the munchies. The worst thing about wearing a mask is that you can’t crop dust anymore. I’ve been steady crop dusting for the last 6 months and no one seems to notice. The mask has taken the beautiful art of ‘c dusting’ and ruined it. Crop dusting is on hiatus . Will it return in 2021? Who knows? Only a vaccine will bring back crop dusting around the world. It’s in the hands of Big Pharma now. Don’t drop the ball Pfizer.
fruit flies
Everyone has heard of fruit flies but you never have heard of a vegetable fly. I guess flies don’t like brussel sprouts either.
happy nubby
I wash my hands so much that my I fear I might lose my fingers. I’m washing my hands every 15 minutes at work. I spend about an 1 hour a day of actual scrubbing. I’m going to have nubs by the end of this pandemic. I may not have Covid but I will have the most polished nubs in America.
step up
The janitor at work told me a lady in a different department likes me. She is 25, has a kid, and is going through a divorce. These all sound like great attributes but I’m taken. I’ve already done that. I’m actually still doing it. The only exception is that the ‘love of my life’ has 2 kids from a previous marriage not 1. Step your game up and talk to me when you have 2 kids. I’m not trying to date a girl with 1 kid. That’s minor league. The janitor also told me that her ex husband is a drug dealer. Another great reason why I should leave my partner of 12 years. Let me get into a relationship with a girl who dated a drug dealer. I would love to be in the middle of a drug war. Sign me up. I’d live in fear all day thinking about how drug war lords would shoot up my house, take my son for ransom, and then I would have to seek revenge like Liam Nelson in Taken.
cross walk not cross run
Why do people always hurry up when they are crosssing the street if a car is waiting at a stop sign? If your a pedestrian walking pass a car I think you should slow down not speed up. I never understood why people hurry up there walk? I get it’s out of respect for the person driving the car but they’re in a car. They can make up the 3 seconds you saved them by accelerating a little quicker once you walk by. I feel guilty, especially when old people hurry cross the street. Just be consistent with your pace, don’t rush. I don’t want an elderly person tripping and falling because they were trying to be polite. It looks like my fault then. I don’t want to indirectly kill an old bag. I don’t want the blood of a Senior citizen on my hands.
fictional non fictional
My son watches Disney movies like an investor watching his retirement funds depreciate during Covid. I’ve watched so much Toy Story that I’ve been analyzing the story and it’s characters. The one burning question that’s never explained is where is Andy’s dad? There is no mention in all four of the movies. Pixar! I want answers. I had to google where is Andy’s dad? The most prevalent theory is that he is a deadbeat and the other one is that he had polio and died. Neither can be confirmed. It’s a hot debate. This is what my life has become… researching if a fictional character in a fictional movie exists.
happy hubby
ATT installed new cable coils in our home so we would have faster internet. I guess we should’ve had the fiber optic cable installed 10 years ago. I like to thank my girlfriend for installing a higher speed internet. I’m sick of my computer stalling while I look at porn. Now we can have a happy home. Because you know the old saying, “a Slappy Husband is a Happy Husband” or its “A husband who is slappy is happy”. I forget but I know it’s one of those.
Pulling back the curtains on John “hot rod” Williams
Williams was selected by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the 1985 NBA draft with the 21st pick of the second round (45th overall). He got the nickname “Hot Rod” as a baby due to his habit of making engine-like noises as he scooted backwards across the floor. Williams was named to the NBA all-rookie team for the 1986-87 season. Williams’ finest season occurred in 1989, when he averaged 16.8 points, 8.1 rebounds and 2.04 blocked shots per game while mostly serving as the team’s sixth man. Following the 1989-90 season, he re-signed with the Cavaliers to a 7-year, $26.5 million contract, making him one of the five highest paid players in the NBA in the early 1990s. He was one of top 5 highest paid players for being a 6th man in the 90s. Vroom vroom…
doogie howser moment
I hope they make a vaccine so I can start to crop dust again. Ladies if your looking for a gift for your hubby, get him high speed internet. I’m a person who needs closure. I like to know the why of things. That’s why I need to know where the hell is Andy’s dad!?! I will not rest until I know Disney.