something i say to my gf after I wake up after her
oh… you’re up?
my reaction: I say, “oh… you’re up?” after she has clearly been up for the last hour while I’ve been in bed. She already has made the kid’s lunches for the day, worked from home, and worried about life as a parent all awhile I’ve been sleeping like a baby.
lilo and snitch
I’m a tattle tale. I told on my 16-year-old stepdaughter because she had her bf over while no one was home. I was debating on whether I should tell my gf or not because I didn’t want to be a nark. I heard snitches get stitches. I’m scared of my teen stepdaughter. I don’t want that smoke. She gets mad. Real mad. I pleaded with my gf to not tell her it was me who told. She was able to keep my name safe. I told her to say that the neighbor saw her. We have a neighbor that can be our scapegoat. I’ll have the neighbor deal with the wrath of a teen.
bi dad
I think I’m developing a personality disorder from being a stepdad. My kids call me “daddy” but my step kids call me “Curt”. Sometimes my kids will call me “Curt”. I got to think of a name other than my first name that my step kids can call me. My first name is what my friends call me. There is no other name that works. Bonus dad doesn’t work. Stepdad doesn’t sound right. There is no good name for step dad than your real name. Dad # 2 doesn’t work. Extra Dad? I guess my first name will have to do for now.
dookie duo
I call my stepdaughter and her bf the ‘dookie duo’ because they will stop at the house to use the bathroom on their lunch break from school every day. They use that as an excuse to hang out. You don’t have to poop. You didn’t even eat breakfast. You have nothing to poop. You’re not wasting our 2 ply. Use the school’s peanut brittle 1 ply. If they say they are pooping then let’s see proof. I’m going to demand pictures of their poop to ensure they are pooping. Our house is not a port o potty.
wrong long
Why is everything that is made into a footlong bad for you? Do we need to eat a foot of a hot dog? We don’t need footlong hot dogs. We don’t need a half a foot of a hot dog. We only need a inch of a hot dog. I’m not eating more than 2 inches of hot dog. Recently, I actually ate 2 hot dogs and I felt hungover. I immediately regretted it. Hot dogs are tough on the body. No more foot long hot dogs. Just give me a footlong cucumber. I need a footlong carrot. All these footlong dogs are making me insecure.
floss loss
The younger generation needs to floss their teeth more. This young kid at work bragged that he doesn’t floss his teeth and has no cavities. That’s gross dude. I floss my teeth every day and the sh*t that comes out of my teeth is concerning. There is bits of food scum and tartar build up. Please floss your teeth. I don’t want to know if you don’t floss. Please keep that info to yourself. Everything that you’ve eaten for the day is going to be caked in between your teeth. The young generation also eats like sh*t so their teeth is full of ramen, mac n cheese, and crackers. Their mouth looks like a convenience store that a tornado ripped through. Food particles everywhere.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I want to be respected as a stepparent. But who is going to respect me if I’m sleeping in every day. I want my step kids to call me Lord Curt and I’ll demand that they floss their teeth. I will make sure they poop at school. I will ban all footlong hot dogs. The dookie duo will not strike again at my house. I will wake up early so I can really tell my gf “oh…. you up?”
hahahahaha