something i do when i get mad at my gf
take a dump in her toilet
my reaction: I have the luxury of having my own bathroom but if my gf makes me mad (about something I shouldn’t be mad about) then it’s on. I like to drop a big fat one in her bathroom with no courtesy flush. I just take an old school dump. No spray. No air freshener.
carb queen
I call my gf Carbara Bush because all she does is buy carbs for the kids. She is the carb queen. She claims the kids need a lot of carbs. She’s like a carb dealer. She will dole out carbs on the corner like she is some carb king pin. She puts on this act like she is some health nut but in reality she is ordering double stuffs on the low. Maybe that’s a little harsh. She doesn’t do Oreos but you get my point. She’s anti fast food but will she buy her kids ice cream, doughnuts, muffins, biscuits, and other miscellaneous sweets. My gf is the first lady of carbs.
mini gut
My gf’s ex who has had a normal type body has a gut now. I noticed it last week at his daughter’s 17th birthday party. It made me happy. Finally, a skinny person who doesn’t eat healthy is starting to get fat. He will never be obese but the mini gut is a start. I’ll take it. It’s a win in my column. I love skinny fat guys. Skinny guys with mini guts are a sight to see. All the bud light and frozen pizza is catching up to him. I’m not sure if it’s even a gut yet. I just look for anything to rib on somebody that makes me insecure.
swallow drop
I’ve been fighting a bad cough lately so my gf banished me to the living room because she is a light sleeper and my cough wakes her up. I pulled out a mattress and made a bed in the living room. I felt like I was having my own personal sleep over. I was able to cough freely. My cough was so bad that I accidentally swallowed a whole cough drop. I never knew I could swallow. Somehow swallowing a whole cough drop worked. It was better than sucking it. A lot less work. I’m going to start swallowing more (cough drops that is).
whole rat bags
About a month ago I noticed rat poop outside our house. I decided to set several rat traps outside our house because there was a lot of poop. I ended up killing 7 rats. Every morning for a week I would find a dead rat in one of our traps. I would put the rat in a Whole Foods bag and throw it away. Those old Whole Food grocery bags have come in handy. I call them my Whole Rat Bags. I should tag #WholeFoods on social media on how I reuse thier bags. I’m sure they would be thrilled. “Hey look at how I upcycled this Whole Foods bag by putting a dead mangled rat in it”.
so tired
My teen step daughters will wake up 3 hours after us on weekends and be tired. They will look like they are hungover from a long night of partying but in reality they just were in their room in the fetal position on their phone. How can you be tired when it’s almost noon? Half the day is already over and you look like you should be in the hospital. You look malnourished and fatigued. You didn’t take more than 10 steps in the last 12 hours. I don’t get it. I’ve been up the last 3 hours and I’ve made breakfast, worked out, did laundry, washed dishes, killed a few rats, and complained about the economy.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I shouldn’t make fun of my gf and call her Carbara Bush but maybe that’s why our teens are so tired. They’ve been overloaded with carbs. Why don’t they convert that carb into energy and help me kill some rats? Keep eating those carbs and you’re going to get a little carb gut. In retrospect I guess it was nice to be banished to the living room at night. I wasn’t able to get mad at my gf and drop a deuce in her toilet. A win win. All is well.