overheard in a conversation I was in
“you know it says in the bible… you can kill but not murder”- a coworker of mine who is also a pastor
My reaction: I don’t know what to say anymore? It says in the bible you can kill but not murder? What bible are you reading…the NRA’s version? I didn’t know those were two different things. He is also thinking about buying a gun. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. Pastors who are packing heat. Where is the faith?
cow titty
I’m not big on milk, not because I’m lactose intolerant or the taste, but because the strange process of obtaining milk. The fact that you have to “milk” a cow to get it is oft putting. You have to stroke a cow’s long pink nipple until milk excretes out of it. Ew. It’s a disgusting process to me. It’s a lot of work for something that will give me an upset stomach and that doesn’t even taste good. Milk doesn’t do a body good. It does a body bad. I’d rather just drink water. You don’t have to jerk off a cow’s nip to get water, you just turn on the faucet.
metal variety
I met a guy who listens to heavy metal. He said there were about 25 genres of heavy metal. I didn’t believe him but he googled it and sure enough there is 26 genres. Then from those genres there are sub categories. Honestly, I thought the only category of heavy metal was just heavy metal but it’s deeper than that. There is one genre called folk metal. That sounds impossible to make. Folk plus metal? Then there is death metal, doom metal, and grind core which all sounds like it would hurt to make and listen to. A few honorable mentions are crust punk, funeral doom, sludge metal, and stoner metal. But my favorite is Christian metal. I would love to hear that during Eucharist at mass. “DO YOU ACCEPT THE BODY OF CHRISTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!”
college son
I lived at my childhood home for most of my college career. I don’t know why I call it my college “career”. I just showed up to class and got drunk on the weekends. I didn’t have a career at all. Every weekend I would stumble into my home late night and wake up my mom. My son does the same thing now but he is 3.. I was 23. If I were my mom I would be pissed. But maybe, she was just as drunk too. I never thought of that. She could’ve just been getting home late from a night of drinking. I feel bad I ever lived there. I’m sure she was happy I moved. I was the biggest inadvertent c**k block. Sorry mom.
little sister
You know how older brothers are protective of their younger sisters. I think that’s adimarable that they don’t want their sister to sleep around. But it’s also a little creepy. Do you want your sister to yourself? Let her be a person. I guess I can’t understand, I never had a younger sister. But I do believe my twin brother thought of me as his ‘little sister” growing up. I remember him saying once, “I don’t want any girl to mess with my brother… he is sensitive”. My twin cared for me like an older brother cares for his little sister. My brother did want my d**k to get taken advantage of. Thank you brother for caring about my d**k.
reenactment aspirations
A few years go during a meeting at work we were discussing mass shooting drills. They said we might have a mass shooting drill to prepare our staff in case something were to happen. Is our business model and culture that bad that we think we need to have a mass shooter drill? Think about that. Are you that worried in your leadership that you would have a drill because you fear someone in your department? Maybe lighten up the mood a bit and not be so strict. During the meeting I asked to be the fake ‘shooter’ during the drill. They probably should’ve put a ‘watch’ on me for that comment. Who wants to play the part of a ‘mass shooter’? You should only want to be Santa, the Easter Bunny, a super hero… not a ‘shooter’. I don’t even own a gun. I’m surprised I didn’t get questioned or turned over to HR after saying that. I think I also went into sound effects of how I would do it. I would kick in the door and tell everybody to “shut the f up.. get down… insert machine gun effects” Then I realized I was just re inacting a bank heist. I guess I just want to be Bonnie and Clyde.
pulling back the curtains Sherman Douglas
Douglas was drafted in the 2nd round of 1989 draft by the Miami Heat with the 28th overall pick. He was named to the all NBA Rookie First Team. The next year he averaged 18 points and 8 assists per game. His nickname was “the General” because his first name was Sherman and he was a point guard. He was also know for inventing the running “floater” shot that a lot of guards use nowadays. I am also know for my “floater” while I’m dropping my personal deuce in the bathroom. During his career, Douglas played against Michael Jordan 30 times and lost all 30 games. I’m not sure why they put this in his Wikipedia page. Does this have to be mentioned? What a dumb stat. A lot of players lost to the best basketball player ever.
doogie howser moment
Milk does not do a body good, have you even seen a cow? If you turn 18 move out of your parent’s house so your mom or dad can date with privacy. Don’t ask your manager if you can be the shooter in a mass shooting drill, it’s not a good look unless your a pastor, then it’s okay. AMENNNNN!