conversations with my brain not brian
The only bar I go to is the one on my keyboard… the Spacebar. The Spacebar is the longest button on the keyboard but does the least amount of work.
Why is the mouse on a computer called a mouse? I don’t like mice, so I call my mouse a hamster.
I’m worried my son is going to have “cankles”. My son has a genetic predisposition to having large ankles. Sorry son.
A girl in High School once said, “mmm… your bow legged”. I said, “what’s that” and she said, “I’ll tell you when your older”. She still hasn’t told me.
whistle while you work
While driving to work I noticed that the school crossing guard is severely under equipped for their job. I don’t think I could do it. It has to be the most dangerous job know one talks about. You basically get a neon vest, gloves (that your probably provide), a stop sign, and a whistle if you’re lucky. How are you supposed to stop a speeding car with that equipment? Crossing guards are not Macgyver. You can’t stop a car with a whistle. You can’t keep blowing a whistle until a car stops. You can, however, stop a car with a bazooka. Give all crossing guards bazookas. No one will ever speed again.
pumpkin parent
I chaperoned my son’s first field trip to a pumpkin patch. I was nervous to go because I thought all the parents were going to hate me. Hate is a strong word. I just didn’t want to be the weird parent off to the side kicking dust with my head down saying, “I don’t know”. Luckily, I have ‘weird radar”. I spotted the weirdest parent and immediately made friends with him. It was great. A match made in weird heaven. His name was Stephen. I actually met 2 dads and both their names were Stephen. What are the chances? Anyways, it was good to know I wasn’t alone. I’ve decided all parents are weird. Everyone is. Once you realize that you will be okay.
recovering social drinker
I haven’t drank in almost a year and half, but don’t be proud of me and say “that’s great”. I didn’t do anything special. I wasn’t an alcoholic. I’m not a recovering alcoholic. I had my moments once in awhile where I would get hammered but I was a casual social drinker. If anything I’m a recovering casual social drinker. I used to knock down a half a beer a day. I used to drink on average 2 beers a week. Now, I’m down to 0. So, if you look at it that way, it’s not much of an accomplishment. It’s more of an annoyance to my friends. Either way, I was annoying when I was drunk, and now I’m annoying when I’m sober.
curd your enthusiasm
I was at Culver’s last week, not for me but for work. On that particular day, they were selling the “Curder Burger” which is a burger with a cheese curd patty. They sold out by 12:30 pm in the day. Yes, in the day. People were eating a burger with a cheese curd patty as early as 10:30am in the morning when they opened. Their was a line for this. I overheard one of the cashiers saying one guy bought 6 of them but they limited 2 per customer so he had to get back in line 3 more times. It took 2 hours to sell out. People were so pissed that they left when they found out it was sold out. I also heard customers say, “if they were smart they would just put it on the menu”. If you were smart, you would just order a burger and a side of cheese curds and put it on the burger. Another guy said, “it was hell getting here” I said, “really? Where did you come from?” “Just down the street but traffic was bad”. I no longer feel sorry for people who can’t get what they want at fast food restaurants. Remember, it’s not fine dining, it’s okay dining.
no slip grip
My toothbrush comes with all this fancy marketing about how great the grip is. I’ve never been in a toothbrush related incident where I lost the grip and my toothbrush inflicted harm on me or my family. They market this toothbrush with having “no slip grip”. Thank you for saving my family from sustaining a toothbrush wound. “Curt.. what happened? My kid is in the hospital again. Why? I bought him a regular toothbrush and it slipped out of his hands and jabbed his throat with it”. I guess it had to happen if the marketing team at Colgate were like these “toothbrushes are falling out of the hands of millions of Americans. The madness must stop. Put a rubber grip on the handle”. Thank you for saving the lives of teeth brushers everywhere toothbrush makers.
pulling back the curtains
There is no player to wear number 80 in the NBA but I would like to a make a public service announcement. Stop buying Mr. Bubble if you have kids. Mr. Bubble is a bubble bath and foam soap maker. Why does he have to be named Mr. Bubble? Why can’t he just be Bubble boy or Bubble Bobby? That’s strange to invite a grown @ss bubble to have a bath with your kid. I would be more inclined to buy Mr. Bubble if he wasn’t a mister. I’m surprised Mr. Bubble hasn’t been canceled yet? This Mister has been taking millions of baths with children all over the world for decades. I want to be part of cancel culture. Cancel Mr. Bubble.
doogie howser moment
I feel bad that I made jokes about the keyboard and mouse, the very thing I used to make to write this blog. I guess I’m biting the hand that feeds me (let’s be honest this blog doesn’t feed me). The only time you should bite your hand (literally) is before you eat a Curder Burger so you won’t be able to physically eat it. Plus, you won’t have to worry about brushing your teeth and getting into a toothbrush related injury because you ate a nasty burger. The only time you have to worry about getting injured is if you’re an under equipped crossing guard. The only person brave enough to be a crossing guard has to be a former weird parent who chaperones for every child’s field trip. Thanks for reading. Now it’s time for a hot bubble bath with Mr. Bubble and chill out. If I can’t drink my problems away, I know Mr. Bubble will take them away.