recent “tiny” moment in my life
My gf’s water broke.
friday the 13th
On Friday the 13th my gf had a baby. Our baby that is. Not someone else’s. That would be awkward. That would be more than awkward. That would be devastating. I’m glad it’s my baby. But you never know these days. We did have the baby on Friday the 13th. I guess stranger things have happened. I should’ve asked for a blood test. Maybe I will take a paternity test or go on Jerry Springer. If you have to go on Jerry Springer to determine if you are the father or not then your relationship is pretty much over.
oh contractions
When my gf was having contractions it sounded like she was having an orgasm. There was a lot of moaning and panting. It’s the last thing I should compare her contractions to. Don’t blame me for thinking that blame my brain. I tried not to laugh but couldn’t hold it in. I started to lol. She asked me why I was laughing? I told her it sounds like your in a bad low budget porn movie that was never released.
er discount
The hospital seemed short staffed with nurses. I guess everyone is short staffed. A few nurses came in and out during the day stating who they were. There were a few interns too. Great… a college intern is going to deliver my baby. I don’t want a college kid name Dylan looking at my gf’s spread eagle. Luckily, the intern left he probably had a house party to go to. So because they were short staffed I ended up holding one of my gf’s legs during labor. Not a job usually relegated to the husband. Anyway my arms were getting tired and started to hurt. Honestly give me the epidural not her. I was thinking shouldn’t we get a discount if I’m doing work. I should’ve clocked in if I knew I was going to be delivering a baby. At least give us 10% off or give a coupon for next time.
snip guy
After the birth my gf talked with the doctor about having a vasectomy. I told my doctor that I already have a “guy” who would do it at his house. Everybody has a “guy” be it a plumber, mechanic, or drug dealer. My “guy” is a guy who snips testicles on the low. Maybe, my guy is not the right guy. He was a college friend of mine who would get black out drunk. He also had a bit of temper. This is also a guy who I annoyed a lot. I don’t know if I could trust him with a pair of scissors. I’d probably end up with a mangled scrotum.
hippie baby
I forgot to mention that I wore ty dye crocs to the birth of my child. I thought it’d be funny to wear crocs to the hospital to deliver a baby. I even told the staff that I just delivered a baby with one croc on. It was true. I did only have one croc on. I wanted it to be epic. I don’t think the medical staff was impressed. I wonder how many births were given in crocs this year? Hopefully, I was the first and last one.
vhs clinic
One week after the birth we went to this clinic to get blood drawn for the baby. I was a little skeptical of this clinic. The waiting room had a box TV with a VCR in it. Not even a DVD player or flat screen TV. It was a straight up VCR from the 1990s. Most places have thrown out there VCRs decades ago. This place weathered the storm and stayed true to their roots by holding onto the VCR. I’m not judging, I still own a flip phone. I checked the VCR to see what was the last movie played. It was Clueless. The teen rom com featuring Alicia Silverstone. It didn’t give me any more confidence in this clinic. If they can’t afford a flat screen or DVD player then I’m in trouble. But then again maybe they put all there money into there medical equipment or into there extensive library of movies. Who the hell has time to watch a movie at a clinic anyways?
fml………….a
I get 12 weeks of FMLA through work. FMLA is unpaid time off to bond with baby. I feel like I’m putting the FML in FMLA. I’m supposed to be taking time to bond with baby but all I’ve done is do laundry, dishes, and clean my bathroom. When I say I’m doing the laundry I’m really just bringing the clothes up from the basement. I’m not sorting or folding them. I’m just carrying the laundry to the living room so my gf can fold them.
formula freaks
There’s been multiple reports that there is a shortage of baby formula in the USA. I beg to differ. There’s no shortage of formula. Someone is hoarding it. Some dude is drinking that milk powder creepily in his mom’s basement. Mental health is at an all time high so it makes sense some weirdo is drinking baby formula trolling on the internet. Formula is such a weird name for nourishment too. Formula reminds me of a math problem. Formula also doesn’t sound appetizing. If I’m a baby I am declining formula. I’d be like “ga ga goo give me momma moo moo. I’ll pass on the powder”. At least rename it. Rename it like what they call fake crab, imitation crab meat. The new name for formula should be imitation titty milk.
doogie howser moment
I was supposed to being heading towards a mid life crisis but instead I averted that by having a baby. Instead of FML I’m FMLA. Just because the baby was born on Friday the 13th doesn’t mean it’s bad. I decided to make the day fun by wearing ty dye crocs. Make life fun. Force the fun. To all the creeps out there STOP HOARDING BABY FORMULA! And that’s why you need a “guy” to do vasectomies.