new idea for a holiday
deadbeat day
Instead of celebrating Father’s Day we need to start shaming the deadbeats. The fathers who aren’t there. They need to know. This day can also be dedicated to any kid of deadbeat, not just fathers. It could be a deadbeat friend, relative, or co worker. It could be a deadbeat employee, mailman, or politician. Anyone who is not doing what they should be. They need to be called out. That’s how we make change in the world.
horror scopes
My gf is big on horoscopes. She will read them every morning. I believe in them like I believe in the Bible, I’m skeptical. Horoscopes can’t tell the future. They are very general and generic. They always say something positive or motivating like, “your going to have a big day or it’s time to move on that big project of yours. Today is the day your life changes.” Not. I’ve proved so many horoscopes wrong. I wish they were realistic like, “you’re going to struggle today. Today is going to be tough. You’re not going to be fulfilled. You’re going to get hurt physically or emotionally or both. Life is rough. Sorry. Keep on trucking. Better luck next time.”
pool scare
I hate the feeling of getting in the pool especially a cold pool. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be cold. Getting in any body of water is scary for me. You’d think I was jumping into a pit of snails. You’d think I was allergic to the water by way I enter the pool. I squirm and get skittish. I become very vulnerable. All the manhood of being tough and strong goes out the door. I have no grace. I do the thing where you walk on your tippy toes and raise your shoulders. It looks like I’m being stung by bees. I’m saying, “ooh ah ooh ah” and all I’m doing is submerging myself in H2O.
goodwill daredevil
I thought I was adventurous until I saw someone try on clothes at Goodwill. This person didn’t wait until they got in the changing room. They did it right in the aisle. Do they know where these clothes came from? Goodwill clothes come straight from people’s houses, sorted in the back room, and then right onto the racks. Too me that’s more insane than someone sky diving, bungee jumping, or walking on a bed of hot coals. I’m not trying on clothes at Goodwill. It doesn’t seem like a good decision. I’d get a skin rash or scabies again. Yes, I had scabies in college. It’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever had. I’m not trying to get scabies again. I’ll pass on trying on a shirt that I don’t need that’ll give me scabies.
meeting ninja
You ever watch people excuse themselves out of a work meeting when they have to take a phone call or use the bathroom. They tip toe their way out like a cat burglar. They try to make the least amount of noise as possible. They make the I’m not making any noise face. It’s a face that looks like they just broke something. Once they make it out of the room they close the door like there is a baby sleeping in there. Just leave the room like a normal person. It’s more distracting that you’re trying to act like a ninja while leaving.
library dictator
I’ve been taking my son to the library weekly. I want him to read. Most people who read aren’t a$$holes. Readers aren’t pricks. Readers are nice. Readers read. They keep to themselves. They don’t bother anyone because they’re always reading. That’s why I want my son to read. I hope this plan works. It could backfire though. He could start reading about dictators like Stalin, Putin, or Kim Jong Un. Then my whole reading doesn’t make you an a$$hole theory would go right down the drain. Maybe I should stop taking him to the library. It’s a gateway to porn.
doogie howser moment
If you struggle with getting in the pool don’t look at it as a obstacle in life but more so as a challenge. Challenges are all around us. Stay true to your heart and don’t try clothes on at Goodwill. That’s not a challenge, that’s just ignorance, you’ll probably get scabies. Take time to learn something new at the library. There’s a very slim chance that your kidmbecomes inspired to be a dictator by reading books of evil men at the library. He has a better chance of becoming a porn star than a dictator. If you think you’re being sneaky by leaving an office meeting you’re not, everyone can see you ‘acting quiet’. That’s been my personal weekly horoscope.