overheard in a conversation I was in
“Say what you mean… don’t say what you think you mean”- step daughter to other step daughter arguing about something
Reaction: Probably the deepest thing I’ve heard in awhile. I’ve been dwelling on this quote for weeks. It’s simple yet powerful. Man did it blow my mind.
no more lays
The word “family” gives me the heeby jeebys. When people think of family they think of love, unity, and togetherness. But there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes that involves conflict, frustration, and hardship. I recently put a chip ban which “ruffled” a lot of feathers in the household. We got through it but it wasn’t without conflict. We managed to weather the storm. I thought it was pretty innocent but when I say it out loud it sounds horrible. Chips are ingrained in the American fabric of snacking and I took that away. It was very un American of me. For that I am sorry. Chips are harmless in small doses but if you eat a whole bag in one setting then it becomes a problem. You would’ve thought my kids were a bunch of stoners the way they gargle down a family size bag in minutes. I did let them eat tortilla chips during the Chip Ban of 2020. It was the loophole that kept our family together.
escape from Alcatraz
I often go to the bathroom when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. You know what I’m saying? I need to get away from the family. I know a lot of guys who do this technique. It’s a life saver. A great coping technique. I see my girlfriend has caught on to this trick too. She often goes to the bathroom to hide out or take a big sh*t. The trick is easy. I will sneak off into the bathroom when things start to get rough and sit down to pee. I was telling my brother this and he said, “why sit?…. I just stand”. Well, I at least want to try to make an attempt to look like I’m toileting when ignoring my family. I don’t want to flat out get caught pacing around in my bathroom fiddling my thumbs. Can you imagine my girlfriend walks in? “Hey honey… just doing a couple of laps in here… got to stay fit… healthy mind healthy body… right?”
answer when nature calls
I pooped in the woods. Lets be more clear… I pooped near a dirt trial off a major parkway in front of my son. Sometimes nature calls when your in nature, so it only makes sense to answer that call. Let’s be real… I ate a lot of jalapeños the night before. The only thing I regret was that it wasn’t solid, it was liquid. Liquid lava in the forest doesn’t jive. My son was the lookout man. Mind you… he is 2… so he just laughed at me… not the best lookout. It’s funny because I’m supposed to be his hero, not someone who takes fat craps off public trials. A few minutes after I was done a biker and his son rode by. The father looked at me with disgust as if he knew what I did. I probably should’ve went home to wipe but I didn’t. I continued to play with my son for another hour because that’s what a good parent does. They play with their sons while having dirty buttholes. I forgot to mention I was about a 5 minute walk from my house.
triple d
I don’t need to go to bars anymore. Just give me the triple D… Dude…Driveway…Drink. All I need is one dude, one driveway, and one drink. One person is way easier to handle than a slew of friends. Friends complicate things. You have to talk over people, there’s more teasing, and banter. Being with one dude is more intimate. Then secondly, you need one driveway with half sun and half shade…the perfect climate. I love driveways… you can still people watch and observe them do lawn work or walk their feisty dogs. And finally, you need one drink after another and another and another. Jk. One drink is all you need… it’s quick, easy, and to the point. It’s a true power hour of friendship. One beer makes friends tolerable. One beer friends are good but if you really like your friends you can hang out with them sober.
power up
My power went out at my house a few nights ago. I shouldn’t say my power because it’s my girlfriend’s house. I just pay rent. So… my girlfriend’s power wen out. I thought it was fun for the first 5 minutes but then I got a little nervous. “What if never goes back on…I’m screwed… I can’t do things without technology”. How are we supposed to keep food fresh without a fridge? How am I to be entertained without a TV? How am I to do laundry? I just realized I’m enabled by technology. It makes me want to be more sustainable. There’s not much to do without power even though at times we feel like we are without “power”.
pulling back the curtains Aaron McKie
Aaron McKie was selected by the Portland Trail Blazers 17th overall in the 1994 NBA Draft and played until 2007. His biggest NBA achievement came in the 2000-2001 season when he was named NBA Sixth Man of the Year for the Philadelphia 76ers. McKie played a vital role serving as backup to Eric Snow and Allen Iverson. He spent time playing point guard, shooting guard, and small forward. He is currently the head coach for Temple University. His net worth is $23 million. Not bad for a guy who came off the bench for most of his life in the NBA.
Doogie howser moment
When nature calls…. answer… don’t hang up. Downsize your friends with the Triple D philosophy. Your friendship will grow while your friends dwindle. It’s a win win. It’s tough to have friends. If people are eating too many chips… ban them! And if else fails go to the bathroom for quiet time because listening to someone snack on chips is gross but not as gross as a 1 hour un wiped @ss.
BAN CHIPS 2020