off the record I have a friend who is going to London. He told me he is practicing his London accent by saying, “ Cheerios”. What he really means is “Cheerio” which is a farewell people use in England or at least used to. That’s like if I went to Texas and acted like Yosemite […]
the beautiful what? I saw a book in one of those little free libraries called The Beautiful Nebraska. I thought it was fiction but it was not. my reaction: Nebraska is beautiful? I never used the word beautiful to describe Nebraska. I think boring, lame, but not beautiful. I’ve also never been there so I
wrong sound effects I like to eat steak and go ‘ahh’ and drink water and go ‘yum’. salt life Our house is full of Himalayan sea salt lamps. We have so many it’s like we’re living in a salt mine. I thought Doctors recommend that you eat a diet low in sodium? I don’t get
# 125 “empty stroller” Read More »
quick zinger You know how Target has cemented red balls in front of its store. Wal Mart should do the same thing but instead of red balls they would have blue balls then they’ll be like me. home creepot I went to use the bathroom at Home Depot and saw something peculiar. I saw a
If my girlfriend had to name our sex life after a current TV show it would be “Naked & Afraid”. neighborhood watch While driving home I like to look into people’s living rooms to see what they are watching on TV. I’m just so curious. It’s getting to the point where I know their schedule.
# 123 “flat screen time” Read More »
a question Do you think real drug dealers get tips from fictional drug dealers they see in movies? door dash My son goes to school with a kid in our neighborhood whose dad is most likely a drug dealer. I don’t have proof the dad is a drug dealer but all signs point to it.
deadbeat dad joke I have a mug that says “#1 DAD”. I’m not a # 1 Dad. I’m a # 2 DAD. Insert fart noises. pen quality I judge a business by how good their free pens are. If it works I trust your place of business but if it runs out of ink I’m
current events I’m so lame I’m asking my step kids to hang out with me and getting denied. my reaction: I don’t hang out with my friends anymore since I’ve started a family. I think it’s natural. It happens. Everyone has got their own plans. I’ve resorted to asking my teen step daughters to hang
just a thought Some people love to get lost in a good book. Not me. I NEVER KNOW WHAT FRICKEN PAGE I’M ON!!! deflect the reflect The health and wellness experts will tell us that we need to ‘self reflect’ as a means of finding happiness or meaning in our lives. Quite frankly, I’m sick
# 119 “the system” Read More »
words of wisdom? “Life is not that bad if you have ice cream in the freezer” – me even though I don’t eat ice cream bankrupt metabolism I dislike my fast metabolism. It’s a strange thing to dislike. Most people would kill for a fast metabolism like mine but it’s more work. I’m sick of
